Drink This Thing: The Spring Schwing

posted in: Cocktails | 0

paloma cocktailIt’s officially spring! Not that I’ve been anxiously awaiting it. Seriously. It’s been somewhere between 17 and 87 degrees Fahrenheit in the Midwest for the last month or so, and last weekend felt like the goddamn armit of summertime. But whatever, it’s finally spring and now I get to share one of my favorite seasonal drink recipes, The Spring Schwing.

A very loose but pretty-fucking-fancy take on the classic Paloma cocktail, this tequila and ruby-red grapefruit concoction also features one of my favorite flavors in the world: ginger. And no, I’m not using ginger beer again. At least not this time.

paloma cocktail recipe

Both the ginger and the sweetness in this drink come from Domaine de Canton, a ginger liqueur that really should be a fixture in your home bar. It’s easy to find in most liquor stores, and if you’re going to put fucking sugar water in your drinks anyway, it might as well be boozy and gingery, right? I mean, there are very few drinks that aren’t improved with a little splash of this golden goodness. (That said, if you love ginger as much as I do, and you like it spicy, I also recommend Barrow’s Intense ginger liqueur, but I can’t keep that shit in the house or I’ll drink the entire bottle in a week. No joke.)

Anyway, ruby-red grapefruit is in season right now, so it’s available at most grocery stores and markets. Of course, you could substitute bottled juice, but fresh citrus does so much more for cocktails than the pre-bottled stuff — and really, if you can’t be bothered to juice one fucking grapefruit, why don’t you just go sit over there and suck down some Red Bull and vodka while you flip through Kim Kardashian’s selfie book.

You may want to strain the pulp if that kind of thing ruins your schwing, but other than that, this drink goes down real easy.

The Spring Schwing

INGREDIENTS

1 ounce reposado tequila
1 ounce Domaine de Canton ginger liqueur
2 ounces fresh-squeezed ruby red grapefruit juice
Club soda
1 sprig rosemary, for garnish

DIRECTIONS

Add the tequila, ginger liqueur and grapefruit juice to an old-fashioned or stemless wine glass. Stir well, add a handful of ice (or one giant ice cube) and top off with club soda. Garnish with a sprig of fresh rosemary.

Shit You Can Make: Washi Tape Easter Eggs

posted in: Crafts, Easter | 0

creative easter egg decoration washi tape

If one more person tells me they can’t do anything creative, I’m going to lose my shit. Because you know what? With some pretty washi tape and scissors, you can make these beautiful Easter eggs. Anyone can make these eggs. Like, you don’t even need to be able to cut in a straight line, because tape isn’t wide.

Seriously, guys. These eggs are ridiculously simple and they look like something you’d pay $26 a piece for at fucking Anthropologie and then lie to your husband and tell him you made them or got them at Dollar Tree. Except this time you really are going to make them. Twelve of them for less than $10! (Then you can go buy something else at Anthropologie with all that money you saved. Maybe this $85 egg holder? After all, you’re going to need a way to display your thrifty DIY.)

creative easter egg decoration washi tape

Have I mentioned how easy these are? I mean, I honestly can’t even believe I’m typing out multiple paragraphs of instructions — for adults — on how to put tape on a fucking hard-boiled egg, but here I go.

Washi Tape Easter Eggs

1. Buy the trash eggs for $1.09 a dozen (because you have absolutely no plans to eat them* unless you want to sulfur fart for a week), an egg dyeing kit for $1.99 and a few rolls of washi tape, and maybe some glitter tape if you’re feeling fancy, for $2 to $3 each.

2. Hard-boil those eggs — only so they don’t break and they’ll take longer to stink (I think. I could be wrong about this stink part because now that I think about it, hard boiled eggs are pretty stinky. Anyway….). If you mess them up, that’s cool. Like I said, you’re not going to eat them.

3. Once the eggs have cooled, dye them. Here’s a creative tip: If you dye all of the eggs similar shades they’re going to look fancier, but really, dye them however the fuck you want. Or don’t dye them. But if you do, the longer you leave an egg in the dye, the more intense the color, so you could leave some in for two minutes, some for five — you get the drift.

4. Once the dye is completely dry, cut up some washi tape and put it on those eggs. If you mess it up, take it off. Washi tape can’t even hold fucking wrapping paper in place so you better believe it comes off of an egg pretty easily. Here’s another creative tip: If you get a few different kinds of washi tape in similar color palettes, like these different gold tapes I used, and then put them on your monochromatic-dyed eggs, they’re going to look rich as shit. In fact, here’s a cool set that’s already put together and really strips this project of any need for creativity.

You can do this, you rainbow-infused space shark. I believe in you!

creative easter egg decoration washi tape

*Did you guys eat your Easter eggs when you were kids? We totally did, and looking back, that’s pretty gross. Though maybe we only dyed them the day before Easter? I can’t even remember. I like to keep my holiday displays up for a few weeks, so these are going to be more like biohazards than foodstuffs. Of course, if you want to make them right before Easter and use cage-free, farm-fresh eggs, that’s even better.

Here’s Your Damn St. Patrick’s Day Cocktail

posted in: Holidays, St. Patrick's Day | 0

st patrick's day cocktail whiskey jameson

You’d think that as a person who loves holidays almost as much as I love drinking, I’d be all over the major drinking holidays. But it’s just the opposite. I refuse to leave my house on both New Year’s Eve and St. Patrick’s Day, and as far as I’m concerned, the latter is just an excuse for Americans to get shit faced, barf in the street and swap vom-flavored spit with horny dudes wearing “Kiss Me, I’m Irish” t-shirts. But I know I’m in the minority here, so I made a cocktail for you. I mean, I didn’t create it; I have to be excited about a holiday to actually take the time come up with an original themed drink. Still, finding a decent fucking cocktail to celebrate a day synonymous with green beer isn’t exactly easy.

Sadly, when you google “Irish cocktails,” the first hits include Irish Car Bomb, Baby Guinness, Orgasm, Quick Fuck, and the Slippery Nipple. But those aren’t really Irish cocktails. That’s the menu for a shitty Irish pub opened by three frat guys from Florida. A search for “St. Patrick’s Day cocktails” turns up similarly disgusting results, including Shamrock Juice — which is gin AND tequila AND rum AND vodka AND Blue Curaco plus some orange juice. While I’m impressed that someone could put together a green drink without any food coloring or Sour Apple Pucker, that sure sounds like something you should throw back if you want to pass out face-first into a pile of your own turquoise vomit.

Whilst googling, however, I remembered that a few years ago, the fine folks at Jameson sent me a recipe for a fantastic St. Patrick’s Day cocktail. In addition to Jameson, the South Side Smash is mixed with Fernet Branca, lime juice, and simple syrup. It’s strong, sweet, and a little tart—overall, a wonderful and festive way to begin (or end) a more grown-up St. Patrick’s Day. And since it’s garnished with mint, you’ll have a green drink in your hand that, unlike green beer, won’t turn your shit green. Plus, it kind of looks like an adorable pot of gold, so how’s that for fucking festive?

Jameson recommends using its Black Barrel Irish Whiskey for this one, but I used the regular stuff and it was great.

Sláinte! And enjoy your hangovers, suckers!

The South Side Smash

INGREDIENTS

1½ ounces Jameson Irish Whiskey
½ ounce Fernet Branca
¾ ounce fresh-squeezed lime juice
1 ounce simple syrup
6-8 fresh mint leaves
Mint sprig for garnish

DIRECTIONS

Combine the whiskey, Fernet, lime juice, and simple syrup, along with the loose mint leaves, in a cocktail shaker with a handful of ice and shake vigorously (you want to bruise the mint leaves to release some of the oils). Strain into an ice-filled rocks or half-pint glass. Garnish with a mint sprig and enjoy.

NOTE: Jameson didn’t pay me or even provide me any booze to write this, but they did take me on a pretty sweet trip to Ireland for a real St. Patrick’s Day experience a few years ago. So when it comes to whiskey for St. Patrick’s Day, they’ll always be my number-one boo.

Valentine’s Day Is Fucking Bullshit, But You Should Drink This Pink Drink, Anyway

pink drink for valentine's dayI don’t do Valentine’s Day. As far as I’m concerned, if you feel the need to go all out on a holiday that exists so you’ll buy overpriced prix-fixe dinners and super clichéd roses, you’re probably a shitty partner the rest of the year. But that doesn’t mean I won’t be enjoying a cocktail at home with my husband that night. Because I will. You know, just like every other Tuesday evening.

If you’re also planning a quiet (or bangin’) night in on February 14 — whether you’re spending it with your significant other, Netflix or both — consider mixing up a couple of these whiskey-based cocktails with ruby red grapefruit juice, ginger liqueur (I use Domaine de Canton), ginger beer and Angostura Bitters. Ginger is supposedly an aphrodisiac — though it takes a lot more than that to get me in the mood — and thanks to the ruby-red grapefruit juice and bitters, this almost counts as a pink drink. Almost. But it doesn’t fucking taste like one, and that’s a good thing.

A Pink Drink To Get You in the Fucking Mood

INGREDIENTS

2 ounces whiskey
1 ounce ruby red grapefruit juice
½ ounce ginger liqueur
6 dashes Angostura Bitters
Ginger beer

DIRECTIONS

Add the whiskey, grapefruit juice, ginger liqueur, and bitters to a double rocks, Collins or stemless wine glass. Stir and add a handful of ice. Top it off with cold ginger beer and enjoy! 

NOTE: When buying ginger beer, be sure to get a good one, like Gosling’s, Fentiman’s, Reed’s or Cock’n Bull, and definitely don’t try to substitute ginger ale, unless you want your drink to taste like some, sad watered-down version of adulthood.

5 Really Good Fucking Reasons to Stay in on New Year’s Eve

stay in on new year's eve

I know I’m in a minority, at least among my friends and family, but for years, I’ve refused to leave my house on December 31. Here are my top five reasons to stay in on New Year’s Eve.

1. Drunk Assholes

Drunk people can be fun, if they’re your friends and if you’re one of them. But it seems like everyone and their mother thinks the goal on New Year’s Eve is to get as wasted as possible — especially the amateur drinkers who really can’t handle that much booze. Do you really want to ring in the New Year with someone’s drunk mom?

2. Fucking Drunk Drivers

The worst kind of drunk people are the ones who think it’s okay to get behind the wheel after they’ve had a few too many. And unfortunately, on a big drinking holiday (see No. 1) there are more drunk drivers on the road than usual. Just because you’re responsible and decided to call an Uber doesn’t mean the person in the other lane did the same.

3. Ugh, Money

Have you noticed that everything is more expensive on New Year’s Eve? Whether you need a special ticket to step foot onto a block of bars you usually frequent for free, or your favorite restaurant is offering a special prix-fixe or buffet dinner, you’re going to spend more money on December 31 than you would on any other night. Instead, put the money toward a nice bottle of whiskey or champagne you can enjoy in the comfort of your own home. Plus, it’s pretty easy to make restaurant-quality food on your own. 

4. Bullshit Uncomfortable Shoes

You’re not going to buy an overpriced ticket or prix-fixe dinner then head out for a big party night in your most broken-in sneakers, now are you? Nope. If you’re going out on New Year’s Eve, chances are good you’ll want to get dressed up, which usually includes uncomfortable shoes. Think about it: Standing waiting for a drink at a bar in uncomfortable shoes. Standing in the buffet line in uncomfortable shoes. Standing in the cold waiting for your Uber in uncomfortable shoes. Is that really how you want to end this horrible year — standing around in uncomfortable footwear? Instead, I recommend cozying up on your comfortable couch in comfy socks with a comfy bottle of whiskey or wine.

5. Oh Yeah, No One Likes You

New Year’s Eve may be a special occasion for you, but it’s a horrible night for restaurants. As someone who’s had to work in a restaurant on this “holiday,” I will tell you no one wants to serve your drunk ass that night. The amateur drinkers (see No. 1) tend to get super demanding and often leave horrible tips because they think they’ve already spent too much, and your server is trying to tend to 12 tables just like that. Plus, the kitchen is working overtime to keep the buffet stocked with whatever rice pilaf and medium-rare filet they’re mass producing back there. 

A Damn Fine Homemade Bourbon Eggnog That Doesn’t Need to Age

posted in: Christmas, Cocktails, Holidays | 0

homemade fresh bourbon eggnogTry this recipe once, and you’ll never buy that saccharine shit they sell at the grocery store again. 

By definition, eggnog is simply a blend of milk or cream, beaten eggs, sugar, nutmeg and liquor. Of course, if you ask a modern cocktail connoisseur, they’ll likely tell you that a homemade eggnog needs to age. I tend to disagree. As far as I’m concerned, a quick eggnog is just as good. In fact, it’s really similar to a classic flip, a raw-egg-based drink that dates back more than 100 years.

In his 1862 book, “How to Mix Drinks,” Jerry Thomas, the grandfather of mixology, offered this method for making an egg flip:

“Beat up, in a jug, four new-laid eggs, omitting two of the whites; add a half dozen large lumps of sugar, and rub these well in the eggs, pour in boiling water, about half a pint at a time, and when the jug is nearly full, throw in two tumblers of Cognac brandy, and one of old Jamaica rum.”

That sounds like nonsense, right? Right. So, I’ve simplified and the process and adjusted the ingredients and proportions for modern times. It makes a large cupful instead of a jugful, and I’ve replaced the cognac and rum with bourbon. (That said, feel free to double or quadruple the recipe if you’re making it for a crowd, and if you want to add a half ounce of cognac, it certainly wouldn’t hurt it. Because more booze.)

Old-School Bourbon Eggnog

INGREDIENTS
1 large brown egg
1 cup milk, half and half, or heavy cream
1 tablespoon sugar
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
¼ teaspoon freshly-grated nutmeg, plus some for garnish
2 ounces bourbon

DIRECTIONS
Add the egg, milk, sugar, vanilla, and ¼ teaspoon nutmeg to a blender. Blend well, until all of the ingredients are well incorporated and the mixture has begun to foam. Add the bourbon and blend again for at least 30 seconds. Serve immediately by pouring into a mug or large stemmed glass, or refrigerate for up to 24 hours. Garnish with freshly grated nutmeg just before serving.

Make This Shit for Holiday Gifts: Homemade Coffee Liqueur

posted in: Christmas, Cocktails, Crafts, Holidays | 0

homemade coffee liqueur festive as fuckI love the idea of homemade holiday gifts, but I usually don’t get around to them in time. Seriously, who has the fucking time to make gifts for people? Like, multiple people. I don’t bake, so I can’t even do cookies. Most years, I just end up playing Supermarket Sweeps in TJ Maxx two days before Christmas and getting my family a bunch of shit they don’t need and probably don’t even want. I mean, does my dad really need another flashlight headband? And by now, my older sister probably has a closet full of fucking holiday-scented bath salts thanks to me and my old friend TJ.

Somehow, though, a few years ago I managed to get my shit together after Thanksgiving, and busted out one of my favorite experiments: homemade coffee liqueur. (Looking back, I was probably on those crazy diet pills, which are pretty much prescription meth, so that explains a lot. I was so productive and so thin, but also a raging bitch).

Anywaaaaaay, this stuff is like Kahlúa, but better. I compared it, over ice, to the store-bought stuff, and I had a hard time stomaching how syrupy and artificial the Kahlúa tasted after drinking my homemade version.

Most “homemade Kahlúa” recipes I’ve found online call for instant coffee, but I don’t touch that shit, so I wasn’t about to include it in my labor of coffee-flavored boozy love. I figured a way around it: I made a stock pot of super-strong coffee (more of a coffee sludge) with freshly-ground beans, and manually filtered it. I mixed the filtered coffee with vanilla extract and sugar, then mixed that with an equal amount of vodka, and let it sit for 30 days. Yes. Thirty. Fucking. Days. 

This recipe takes a little work, and a lot of patience, but the result is an amazing, easy-to-sip coffee liqueur that will last indefinitely — I mean, if you don’t drink it all right away.

Homemade Coffee Liqueur

Active time: 1 hour 30 minutes
Total time: 1 month, 1 hour and 30 minutes
Yield: 128 ounces (16 cups)

INGREDIENTS

12 ounces of a quality dark roast, whole bean coffee
9 cups water
3 cups granulated sugar
3 tablespoons vanilla extract (I prefer Madagascar bourbon vanilla)
64 ounces (8 cups) vodka

DIRECTIONS

Grind the coffee (if you have the option to choose the grind, choose the coarsest possible). Add the coffee grounds and water to a large pot, and bring to a boil, stirring occasionally. As soon as the coffee begins to boil, reduce the heat to low and let the mixture (the “coffee sludge”) simmer for 30 minutes, stirring occasionally.

Meanwhile, fashion some sort of filter system over a french press or other tall container. I used a ceramic drip cone used for pour overs that I picked up at a thrift store for $2 (you can buy them online and at many box stores and coffee shops). These cones are meant to sit on top of a coffee mug and require paper a paper filter. Since we don’t use paper filters, and I didn’t want to go back to the store at 10 pm, I cut an unbleached flour sack towel, and used the pieces as my filter.

Ladle the coffee sludge into the filter. Depending on what you use, it may take a while to filter through, and you’ll need to clear or replace your filter a few times before you get through the entire batch.

You should have muddy grounds stuck in your filter. If not, it’s probably getting into your mixture, and you don’t want that.

Add the filtered coffee back to the (rinsed!) pot over low heat. Add the sugar and stir until all of the sugar is dissolved. Remove from the heat, add the vanilla and stir well. At this point, you should have about 8 cups of coffee syrup. Let the syrup cool for about 30 minutes, stirring occasionally.

Now, you can do one of two things: 1. Add 8 cups of vodka and the syrup to a large jar or bottle. 2. If you’re adding this to individual bottles for gifts, go ahead and fill each bottle halfway with the coffee syrup, then fill the rest of the way with vodka. Either way, use a funnel.

Let your boozy concoction sit in a cool, dark place for 30 days. In the meantime, make tags or labels for your gifts. Give it a shake every few days, when you remember.

NOTES:

I know what you’re thinking: “Hey! There aren’t 30 days left until Christmas. Why didn’t you post this earlier?” No problem! Just write “Enjoy After ____” on your label or tag. Believe me, people will be happy to drink this on a cold January night or save it until Valentine’s Day.

A word of warning: This shit goes down easily, and it’s hard to put down. I drank it the night my husband proposed to me, and let’s just say I’m really glad there’s a video of the whole thing. Because if you didn’t catch my drift, I was fucking wasted. 

Christmas Cocktail Cream Dream: Nuts & Berries

posted in: Christmas, Cocktails, Holidays | 0

nuts and berries cocktailYou guys, sometimes my mom would let me drink booze before I was 21. Maybe she was festive as fuck. Or maybe she was just a shitty mom. For good measure, let’s say it’s a little of Column A and a little of Column B.

Anyway, this Nuts & Berries cocktail is one she’d let me drink around the holidays. Though I don’t know how it even happened, because she never kept any booze in the house, save for the jug of shitty pink wine that was always half full in the fridge. In fact, now that I think about it, it was my cool aunt Susie who first introduced me to it. (See how my mom gets called “shitty” and Susie is “cool?”)

Anyway, there aren’t too many drinks I liked at 18 that I still like at 34. But this is one of them. Yes, it’s sweet. But even if you, like me, usually prefer straight whiskey to sugary, creamy drinks, just fucking give this one a try. It’s sweet, but not too sweet, and creamy, but not too creamy.

Nuts & Berries

INGREDIENTS

2 ounces Bailey’s Irish Cream
2 ounces Frangelico hazelnut liqueur
1 ounce Chambord raspberry liqueur

DIRECTIONS

Add the ingredients to a cocktail shaker over ice. Shake well, and strain into a chilled glass, on or off the rocks, depending on your preference.

Enjoy, bitches! 

The Best Fucking Thanksgiving Cocktail in the World

posted in: Cocktails, Holidays, Thanksgiving | 0

the old sage thanksgiving cocktail

I’ve created probably a hundred catchy cocktails for various websites, but this one, a Thanksgiving-themed tipple, is one of my all-time favorites. I’m going to go out on a limb, and say it’s the best Thanksgiving cocktail in the world. In fact, it may be the only Thanksgiving cocktail in the world, but that’s probably not true at all.

The Old Sage has a hint and scent of sage, thanks to a super-easy sage simple syrup. It’s mixed with Old Overholt Rye Whiskey (cheap as shit, but so good), lemon juice, and Peychaud’s Bitters — which very subtly mimics some of the spices associated with the holiday.

This is good. Like, get-Grandma-fucking-wasted-on-Thanksgiving good.

The Old Sage

INGREDIENTS

2 ounces Old Overholt Rye Whiskey
2 ounces lemon juice
1 ½ ounces sage simple syrup
3 dashes Peychaud’s Bitters
Lemon slice for garnish
Sage leaf or sprig for garnish

DIRECTIONS

To make the sage simple syrup, combine 1 cup white granulated sugar, 1 cup water, and ½ cup of loosely-packed fresh sage leaves in a saucepan over high heat. Mix well, and as soon as the mixture reaches a boil, remove from the heat and let it cool to room temperature. Strain out the sage leaves and store in a bottle or jar in the refrigerator for up to two weeks.

To assemble the cocktail, add the Old Overholt, lemon juice, sage simple syrup, and bitters to a cocktail shaker with ice. Shake well, and strain into a double rocks glass filled with a handful of ice cubes or one large cube. Garnish with the lemon and sage, and enjoy!

Yes, You Can Fucking Make a Cheap and Easy Holiday Centerpiece This Year

posted in: Crafts, Holidays, Thanksgiving | 0

easy DIY holiday centerpiece
I’m going to share with you my secret for creating a super affordable, yet totally unique centerpiece for your holiday table: Gold spray paint and yard waste. That’s it.

Okay, maybe “waste” isn’t a great word. But leaves, sticks and pine cones are all perfect items for your homemade tablescape, as the combination of natural elements and gold strike the perfect festive balance for winter holiday decor. 

Anyway, it really doesn’t matter how you do it — you can paint three leaves or 30 — but here are a few ideas to get you started.

Collect different shapes and sizes of dried leaves or pinecones and spray paint them all gold. Scatter or arrange them around a candle or vase to add a touch of nature and glam to your holiday tablescape.

gold spray paint leaves holiday centerpiece

Gather fallen branches of a similar length and girth. Sand them if they’re rough, then add a festive pop by painting a few of them white or gold. Arrange horizontally around a candle holder or put them upright in a vase. A twist on this would be to coat an old jar or can with gold spray paint, then put a combination of natural and white painted sticks in it.

Add a little color to your rustic spread by putting fresh herbs or holiday buds in a vase or milk jug.

DIY thanksgiving centerpiece made with fresh sage

Want to make it even more interesting? Spray paint half of whatever you have, or a third. Or tape off a portion of your leaves or sticks diagonally before you paint. Mix it up however you’d like, because no matter what you do, it’s likely going to look like something out of a magazine (because it’s really hard to screw up this DIY!).

You can do this. I believe in you.

These images originally appeared in my Buzzfeed piece, 9 Surprisingly Easy Ways To Make Your Thanksgiving Table Look Better.