I have a confession to make. It’s not even anything bad or shameful. In fact, it’s not embarrassing in the least (not for me, anyway). It’s just shitty. Except I hate saying it out loud (er, on blog?) because that means it’s true and the truth is sad. Guys, I’m lactose intolerant. I realized it at some point in my early 20s — and who knows? Maybe that’s when my body decided it had no place for dairy. Anyway, it’s a real fucking bummer because I love soft cheeses and creamy French sauces and the ice cream flavors nobody else ever wants, like vanilla and pistachio and black charcoal when I’m feeling kinda weird. Of course, sometimes I just eat (or drink) whatever the fuck I want and deal with the consequences later (but not too much later). Other times, I remember that I can use alternative milks, which sometimes work out just as well, if not better than, the original. Case in point: This Bourbon Coconut Milk Punch.
Bourbon Milk Punch is a whole thing in New Orleans, and like most classic, beloved cocktails, everyone seems to have their own way to make it. The variations I’ve seen involve different ratios of milk to bourbon, a little rum here or there, and sugar versus simple syrup. My way — swapping canned coconut milk for cow’s milk and also adding a little cinnamon — is probably blasphemous, but you know what? Sometimes blasphemy is better than shitting your brains out.
This drink is perfectly creamy, but it won’t upset your stomach. It’s also not too sweet, and I’m not even afraid to make it ahead and keep it in the fridge for a minute. Just be sure to use straight coconut milk, the kind from the can. And before you start mixing the drink, the milk in the can needs to be fully mixed. That’s because unless it’s been stored in a warm place, it separates with the fat rising to the top. So be sure to shake or stir it really well (but probably both) to ensure it’s smooth and creamy before you start putting together your Bourbon Coconut Milk Punch.
Bourbon Coconut Milk Punch
2 ounces bourbon
3 ounces full-fat coconut milk (from the can, yo!)
1 tablespoon simple syrup
1 teaspoon good vanilla extract
Hefty pinch ground cinnamon
Dainty pinch freshly-grated nutmeg
Add all of the ingredients to a cocktail shaker or wide-mouth mason jar with a handful of ice. Shake the shit out of it, then strain into whatever pretty little cocktail glass your dear heart desires.
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Get your glue sticks ready (actually don’t, I have plenty) for my next craft event in Kansas City. Paper Crafts + Boozy Drafts (the hoppy, malty version of Crafts + Cocktails) is coming back to Boulevard Brewing Company‘s new Tours & Rec Center on Thursday, February 1. And if you can’t tell from the picture, this time we’re making Valentine’s Day cards! Once again, I’ll come up with a boozy beer cocktail you can enjoy while cutting and pasting the old-school way.
The ticket price — a mere $25 — includes all the paper hearts and pink sparkly washi tape your lovely little hands can handle, a beer cocktail (developed by yours truly, of course), and an additional beer. Perhaps the best part? Well, not the best part, but a damn fine bonus: If you’re as bad at mailing shit as I am, you’ll be glad to know that (just like last time) Boulevard will MAIL YOUR CARDS FOR YOU. Isn’t that amazing? Just be sure to bring your old-school address book, or you know, text people while you’re there. And, seriously, I’ll have ALL the good card-making supplies. All of them. If you have any requests, though, leave them in the comments.
If you’re in Kansas City, I really hope you’ll join me for this super fun craft and cocktail event!
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Never has anyone procrastinated more than I have. Okay, maybe there’s been, like, three people, ever, who’ve reached my level of peak procrastination, and I’m sure they’re all writers, too. In addition to being a master procrastinator, I have about 17 jobs and probably also ADHD. So keeping a to-do list is imperative to me barely functioning as a person in this world.
Seriously, without my list full of red bold and underlines and 18-point font for REALLY, REALLY RIDICULOUSLY IMPORTANT SHIT, everyone I’ve ever worked with would be way more annoyed with me than they already are. Still, every once in a while, I worry my system isn’t good enough and try some fancy app or service with reminders and sub-categories and inevitably I miss something tucked in a category or bullet of a bullet.
So far for me, a single list with all my to-dos in one place is the absolute best way for me to keep track of my myriad tasks. Plus, there’s just something so fucking satisfying about crossing an item off of a list. Because I have a bajillion things to do and work on multiple devices, I keep my running list in a Google doc and use strikethrough, but when I’m determined to have a really productive day (or at least a few hours) I always make a paper list of that day’s priorities. That magic little day list is what inspired this free printable Shit To Do list. And if you’re a seemingly normal person with a reasonable amount of things you tend to put off completing, it may even be able to serve as your primary to-do list.
This list features three categories:
- Just fucking get this done already.
- Ugh. Do I have to?
- This shit can probably wait.
I set it up to print two lists on letter-size paper, so you can print one page, cut it in half, and voila!
As with all of my printables thus far, this Shit To Do list is free, and as you may or may not know by now, the only catch is that you need to “buy” the digital file from my store. You don’t have to pay any money or give any credit card info or anything like that. You just have to plug some information into some boxes. But I promise I won’t sell your email address, or stalk you (unless you’re really super fucking cool), and I think if you create an account it makes it really easy to download it next time. The only other thing I ask in return is that you follow me on Instagram. I hear my feed is pretty entertaining, and my stories even more so (though my whole new-shitty-glasses saga recently wasn’t very exciting).
And, really, don’t forget to follow me on Instagram. We’re on the honor system here. Don’t be a dick.
You’ve heard of hot buttered rum, but have you heard of hot buttered bourbon? Yeah, neither had I until I just decided to fucking make it a few years ago. At the time, it was because I was all, “Ew! Rum!” and I’m still not totally on the rum train yet — which I fully admit at this point is more ignorance than dislike, because I know there are some amazing rums out there.
Anyway, this is exactly what you need to be drinking on a brutally cold day — as long as you don’t mind a drink with a bajillion calories. It also makes exactly enough to fit in a pint-size mason jar if you feel like taking it on the go.
While this serves two, there are still some weird measurements in there, like four teaspoons of brown sugar. But a tablespoon (three teaspoons) wasn’t quite enough, so deal with it. Also, six ounces of bourbon may seem like a lot, even for two people, since a standard serving of base booze in a drink is usually two ounces. And it is a lot of bourbon — whew! I surprised myself when I tasted this (as I mentioned, I first made it a few years ago) and thought maybe I should have started with four ounces and gone from there. But I was using Maker’s 46, which is a bold bourbon, and once everything settled for a few minutes, it made more sense in my mouth. That said, feel free to start with four ounces of bourbon and build from there if you’re worried about getting wasted on a weird-ass warm drink made with butter.
Hot Buttered Bourbon
4 tablespoons unsalted butter
6 ounces water
1 teaspoon good vanilla extract
4 teaspoons brown sugar
½ teaspoon ground cinnamon
Pinch sea salt
6 ounces bourbon
2 cinnamon sticks for garnish
In a small saucepan over medium heat, melt the butter with the water, vanilla extract, brown sugar, cinnamon, and salt. Whisk together until well incorporated, then reduce the heat to a simmer. Add the bourbon into the pan, mix well, remove from the heat once it’s hot enough (you don’t want it to get too hot and cook out all the booze), and divide between two mugs. Garnish each with a cinnamon stick and enjoy immediately.
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Oh, hi. I’m writing this while hopped up on Percocet and propped up on the couch because I just had a fairly minor but majorly annoying surgery. So if it’s full of errors or totally sucks, sorry. At least I did it, right? Anyway, onto the real reason we’re all here: A hot toddy with ginger — the perfect warm drink for this cold fucking winter.
If I can add ginger to something without making it taste like ass, there’s a very good chance I will. It’s especially great for whiskey cocktails, and because it’s a warming spice, it’s perfect for hot drinks like toddies. Now, for most of my drinking life (which we’ve already established has been a while), I thought a toddy had to be made with tea. Not sure where I got that idea, but I think it came from an Irish bartender I knew when I was 18. Fair enough. Most bars I frequent, though, serve some combination of whiskey, honey, lemon, and hot water. And honestly, this drink is not too far off from that. It just involves an extra ingredient (ginger, of course) and the added step of making a honey-ginger syrup (preferably the night before). I’ve tried making it with a ginger tea, as well as ginger liqueur in place of the whiskey, but I definitely prefer the liqueurs in cold drinks. Plus, you can use this syrup for all kinds of shit, even if it’s just club soda and lemon (in fact, I like to put it in lemon La Croix — boom!). I’m sure you could also use it for cooking, but who the fuck has time for that?
Welp. That’s about all I have in me. I need to turn on The X-Files (and fall asleep five minutes into it) now, so I’m just going to leave you with some fucking instructions already. Let me know if any of it doesn’t make sense. And stay warm out there!
Makes about 4 cups
16 ounces peeled and roughly chopped ginger root
16 ounces water
16 ounces honey
(Or, you know, just equal parts everything)
Add everything to a saucepan over medium-high heat and stir. When it reaches a boil, reduce the heat to low and simmer for 30 minutes. Transfer (yes, everything) to a large mason jar or container, cover, and refrigerate overnight. In the morning, strain the solids and ginger sediment (I guess it’s sediment? stuffs? wet crumbs?) through a fine mesh sieve lined with cheesecloth.
NOTE: That’s exactly how I made my syrup, but of course, my impatient ass was in a hurry and didn’t look up any recipes for a similar syrup before I started and as I was dumping the honey into the pot, realized I could have just boiled and reduced the ginger with the water, then mixed it with the honey. I don’t know if there’s any benefit doing it that way (avoiding boiling the honey), but it seems like something people who know what they’re doing would do. Mine’s still the shit, though.
2 ounces whiskey (I used rye, but whatever)
2.5 to 3 ounces ginger-honey syrup
1 cup (give or take) nearly-boiling water
A hearty squeeze of lemon juice
Another fucking squeeze of lemon juice
Lemon wheel for garnish
Add the whiskey and syrup to a mug then top it off with hot water. Add a big-old squeeze of lemon juice, then do it again (the lemon enhances all the flavors), stir, and garnish with a lemon wheel. Enjoy!
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