Valentine’s Day Is Fucking Bullshit, But You Should Drink This Pink Drink, Anyway

pink drink for valentine's dayI don’t do Valentine’s Day. As far as I’m concerned, if you feel the need to go all out on a holiday that exists so you’ll buy overpriced prix-fixe dinners and super clichéd roses, you’re probably a shitty partner the rest of the year. But that doesn’t mean I won’t be enjoying a cocktail at home with my husband that night. Because I will. You know, just like every other Tuesday evening.

If you’re also planning a quiet (or bangin’) night in on February 14 — whether you’re spending it with your significant other, Netflix or both — consider mixing up a couple of these whiskey-based cocktails with ruby red grapefruit juice, ginger liqueur (I use Domaine de Canton), ginger beer and Angostura Bitters. Ginger is supposedly an aphrodisiac — though it takes a lot more than that to get me in the mood — and thanks to the ruby-red grapefruit juice and bitters, this almost counts as a pink drink. Almost. But it doesn’t fucking taste like one, and that’s a good thing.

A Pink Drink To Get You in the Fucking Mood

INGREDIENTS

2 ounces whiskey
1 ounce ruby red grapefruit juice
½ ounce ginger liqueur
6 dashes Angostura Bitters
Ginger beer

DIRECTIONS

Add the whiskey, grapefruit juice, ginger liqueur, and bitters to a double rocks, Collins or stemless wine glass. Stir and add a handful of ice. Top it off with cold ginger beer and enjoy! 

NOTE: When buying ginger beer, be sure to get a good one, like Gosling’s, Fentiman’s, Reed’s or Cock’n Bull, and definitely don’t try to substitute ginger ale, unless you want your drink to taste like some, sad watered-down version of adulthood.

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5 Really Good Fucking Reasons to Stay in on New Year’s Eve

stay in on new year's eve

I know I’m in a minority, at least among my friends and family, but for years, I’ve refused to leave my house on December 31. Here are my top five reasons to stay in on New Year’s Eve.

1. Drunk Assholes

Drunk people can be fun, if they’re your friends and if you’re one of them. But it seems like everyone and their mother thinks the goal on New Year’s Eve is to get as wasted as possible — especially the amateur drinkers who really can’t handle that much booze. Do you really want to ring in the New Year with someone’s drunk mom?

2. Fucking Drunk Drivers

The worst kind of drunk people are the ones who think it’s okay to get behind the wheel after they’ve had a few too many. And unfortunately, on a big drinking holiday (see No. 1) there are more drunk drivers on the road than usual. Just because you’re responsible and decided to call an Uber doesn’t mean the person in the other lane did the same.

3. Ugh, Money

Have you noticed that everything is more expensive on New Year’s Eve? Whether you need a special ticket to step foot onto a block of bars you usually frequent for free, or your favorite restaurant is offering a special prix-fixe or buffet dinner, you’re going to spend more money on December 31 than you would on any other night. Instead, put the money toward a nice bottle of whiskey or champagne you can enjoy in the comfort of your own home. Plus, it’s pretty easy to make restaurant-quality food on your own. 

4. Bullshit Uncomfortable Shoes

You’re not going to buy an overpriced ticket or prix-fixe dinner then head out for a big party night in your most broken-in sneakers, now are you? Nope. If you’re going out on New Year’s Eve, chances are good you’ll want to get dressed up, which usually includes uncomfortable shoes. Think about it: Standing waiting for a drink at a bar in uncomfortable shoes. Standing in the buffet line in uncomfortable shoes. Standing in the cold waiting for your Uber in uncomfortable shoes. Is that really how you want to end this horrible year — standing around in uncomfortable footwear? Instead, I recommend cozying up on your comfortable couch in comfy socks with a comfy bottle of whiskey or wine.

5. Oh Yeah, No One Likes You

New Year’s Eve may be a special occasion for you, but it’s a horrible night for restaurants. As someone who’s had to work in a restaurant on this “holiday,” I will tell you no one wants to serve your drunk ass that night. The amateur drinkers (see No. 1) tend to get super demanding and often leave horrible tips because they think they’ve already spent too much, and your server is trying to tend to 12 tables just like that. Plus, the kitchen is working overtime to keep the buffet stocked with whatever rice pilaf and medium-rare filet they’re mass producing back there. 

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A Damn Fine Homemade Bourbon Eggnog That Doesn’t Need to Age

posted in: Christmas, Cocktails, Holidays | 0

homemade fresh bourbon eggnogTry this recipe once, and you’ll never buy that saccharine shit they sell at the grocery store again. 

By definition, eggnog is simply a blend of milk or cream, beaten eggs, sugar, nutmeg and liquor. Of course, if you ask a modern cocktail connoisseur, they’ll likely tell you that a homemade eggnog needs to age. I tend to disagree. As far as I’m concerned, a quick eggnog is just as good. In fact, it’s really similar to a classic flip, a raw-egg-based drink that dates back more than 100 years.

In his 1862 book, “How to Mix Drinks,” Jerry Thomas, the grandfather of mixology, offered this method for making an egg flip:

“Beat up, in a jug, four new-laid eggs, omitting two of the whites; add a half dozen large lumps of sugar, and rub these well in the eggs, pour in boiling water, about half a pint at a time, and when the jug is nearly full, throw in two tumblers of Cognac brandy, and one of old Jamaica rum.”

That sounds like nonsense, right? Right. So, I’ve simplified and the process and adjusted the ingredients and proportions for modern times. It makes a large cupful instead of a jugful, and I’ve replaced the cognac and rum with bourbon. (That said, feel free to double or quadruple the recipe if you’re making it for a crowd, and if you want to add a half ounce of cognac, it certainly wouldn’t hurt it. Because more booze.)

Old-School Bourbon Eggnog

INGREDIENTS
1 large brown egg
1 cup milk, half and half, or heavy cream
1 tablespoon sugar
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
¼ teaspoon freshly-grated nutmeg, plus some for garnish
2 ounces bourbon

DIRECTIONS
Add the egg, milk, sugar, vanilla, and ¼ teaspoon nutmeg to a blender. Blend well, until all of the ingredients are well incorporated and the mixture has begun to foam. Add the bourbon and blend again for at least 30 seconds. Serve immediately by pouring into a mug or large stemmed glass, or refrigerate for up to 24 hours. Garnish with freshly grated nutmeg just before serving.

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Make This Shit for Holiday Gifts: Homemade Coffee Liqueur

posted in: Christmas, Cocktails, Crafts, Holidays | 0

homemade coffee liqueur festive as fuckI love the idea of homemade holiday gifts, but I usually don’t get around to them in time. Seriously, who has the fucking time to make gifts for people? Like, multiple people. I don’t bake, so I can’t even do cookies. Most years, I just end up playing Supermarket Sweeps in TJ Maxx two days before Christmas and getting my family a bunch of shit they don’t need and probably don’t even want. I mean, does my dad really need another flashlight headband? And by now, my older sister probably has a closet full of fucking holiday-scented bath salts thanks to me and my old friend TJ.

Somehow, though, a few years ago I managed to get my shit together after Thanksgiving, and busted out one of my favorite experiments: homemade coffee liqueur. (Looking back, I was probably on those crazy diet pills, which are pretty much prescription meth, so that explains a lot. I was so productive and so thin, but also a raging bitch).

Anywaaaaaay, this stuff is like Kahlúa, but better. I compared it, over ice, to the store-bought stuff, and I had a hard time stomaching how syrupy and artificial the Kahlúa tasted after drinking my homemade version.

Most “homemade Kahlúa” recipes I’ve found online call for instant coffee, but I don’t touch that shit, so I wasn’t about to include it in my labor of coffee-flavored boozy love. I figured a way around it: I made a stock pot of super-strong coffee (more of a coffee sludge) with freshly-ground beans, and manually filtered it. I mixed the filtered coffee with vanilla extract and sugar, then mixed that with an equal amount of vodka, and let it sit for 30 days. Yes. Thirty. Fucking. Days. 

This recipe takes a little work, and a lot of patience, but the result is an amazing, easy-to-sip coffee liqueur that will last indefinitely — I mean, if you don’t drink it all right away.

Homemade Coffee Liqueur

Active time: 1 hour 30 minutes
Total time: 1 month, 1 hour and 30 minutes
Yield: 128 ounces (16 cups)

INGREDIENTS

12 ounces of a quality dark roast, whole bean coffee
9 cups water
3 cups granulated sugar
3 tablespoons vanilla extract (I prefer Madagascar bourbon vanilla)
64 ounces (8 cups) vodka

DIRECTIONS

Grind the coffee (if you have the option to choose the grind, choose the coarsest possible). Add the coffee grounds and water to a large pot, and bring to a boil, stirring occasionally. As soon as the coffee begins to boil, reduce the heat to low and let the mixture (the “coffee sludge”) simmer for 30 minutes, stirring occasionally.

Meanwhile, fashion some sort of filter system over a french press or other tall container. I used a ceramic drip cone used for pour overs that I picked up at a thrift store for $2 (you can buy them online and at many box stores and coffee shops). These cones are meant to sit on top of a coffee mug and require paper a paper filter. Since we don’t use paper filters, and I didn’t want to go back to the store at 10 pm, I cut an unbleached flour sack towel, and used the pieces as my filter.

Ladle the coffee sludge into the filter. Depending on what you use, it may take a while to filter through, and you’ll need to clear or replace your filter a few times before you get through the entire batch.

You should have muddy grounds stuck in your filter. If not, it’s probably getting into your mixture, and you don’t want that.

Add the filtered coffee back to the (rinsed!) pot over low heat. Add the sugar and stir until all of the sugar is dissolved. Remove from the heat, add the vanilla and stir well. At this point, you should have about 8 cups of coffee syrup. Let the syrup cool for about 30 minutes, stirring occasionally.

Now, you can do one of two things: 1. Add 8 cups of vodka and the syrup to a large jar or bottle. 2. If you’re adding this to individual bottles for gifts, go ahead and fill each bottle halfway with the coffee syrup, then fill the rest of the way with vodka. Either way, use a funnel.

Let your boozy concoction sit in a cool, dark place for 30 days. In the meantime, make tags or labels for your gifts. Give it a shake every few days, when you remember.

NOTES:

I know what you’re thinking: “Hey! There aren’t 30 days left until Christmas. Why didn’t you post this earlier?” No problem! Just write “Enjoy After ____” on your label or tag. Believe me, people will be happy to drink this on a cold January night or save it until Valentine’s Day.

A word of warning: This shit goes down easily, and it’s hard to put down. I drank it the night my husband proposed to me, and let’s just say I’m really glad there’s a video of the whole thing. Because if you didn’t catch my drift, I was fucking wasted. 

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Christmas Cocktail Cream Dream: Nuts & Berries

posted in: Christmas, Cocktails, Holidays | 0

nuts and berries cocktailYou guys, sometimes my mom would let me drink booze before I was 21. Maybe she was festive as fuck. Or maybe she was just a shitty mom. For good measure, let’s say it’s a little of Column A and a little of Column B.

Anyway, this Nuts & Berries cocktail is one she’d let me drink around the holidays. Though I don’t know how it even happened, because she never kept any booze in the house, save for the jug of shitty pink wine that was always half full in the fridge. In fact, now that I think about it, it was my cool aunt Susie who first introduced me to it. (See how my mom gets called “shitty” and Susie is “cool?”)

Anyway, there aren’t too many drinks I liked at 18 that I still like at 34. But this is one of them. Yes, it’s sweet. But even if you, like me, usually prefer straight whiskey to sugary, creamy drinks, just fucking give this one a try. It’s sweet, but not too sweet, and creamy, but not too creamy.

Nuts & Berries

INGREDIENTS

2 ounces Bailey’s Irish Cream
2 ounces Frangelico hazelnut liqueur
1 ounce Chambord raspberry liqueur

DIRECTIONS

Add the ingredients to a cocktail shaker over ice. Shake well, and strain into a chilled glass, on or off the rocks, depending on your preference.

Enjoy, bitches! 

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