Make Frosé When You Have All Damn Day

posted in: Cocktails | 0

how to make frose how to make froséSometimes I like to set goals for myself. While I’m bad at achieving the important ones (reach a healthy BMI by my 35th birthday, save some fucking money…ever), I’m apparently great at the not-so-important ones (start a random-ass greeting card company, learn how to make frose this summer). In fact, it’s not even officially summer yet and I already know how to make frosé, or frozen rosé. So one might even call me an overachiever.

Anyway, now that I’m a fucking frosé savant, the first thing I want to tell you about making frosé is that it takes all damn day. You won’t be slaving over a freezer or a blender or anything for all that time, but you definitely need to plan at least seven hours ahead. Or just start this shit before you go to bed.

That’s because before you can do anything else, the rosé needs to go in the freezer for four to six hours (the recipe I read said six, but I just cranked my freezer temp down to -6ºF and pulled it out at four). At some point — preferably during those four to six hours if you read the recipe beforehand like I did not — you should make a strawberry syrup, let it cool, and juice some lemons. Then you need to blend all that shit together, and if you still have time, freeze it some more and blend it one more time.

how to make froseThe second thing I want to tell you about making frosé is that other than the time commitment, it’s really pretty easy. For the most part, I followed this recipe from Bon Appétit, but added more strawberry syrup (er, all of it) cut the ice completely, and skipped over some of the freezing steps at the end. I’d already been at this shit all day and needed to take a photo while I still had some daylight.

how to make froseThe last thing I want to tell you about making frosé is that it’s really good and totally worth it. So you should try it. Here’s how.

How to Make Frosé

INGREDIENTS

1 750 ml bottle rosé
½ cup sugar
½ cup water
8 ounces strawberries, hulled, quartered
2½ ounces fresh-squeezed lemon juice

DIRECTIONS

Pour the rosé into a 13×9-inch metal or glass pan and freeze until it’s almost solid (it won’t get completely solid because booze), for 4 to 6 hours, or overnight.

Add the sugar and water to a medium saucepan and bring to a boil while stirring. Once the sugar is fully dissolved, add the strawberries and remove from the heat. Let the mixture sit for at least 30 minutes then strain the syrup through a fine mesh sieve (but don’t smush the strawberries to release more syrup). Put the syrup for at least 30 minutes or the freezer for at least 10.

Scrape the frozen rosé into a blender, then add the lemon juice and strawberry syrup. Purée until everything is incorporated. At this point, Bon Appétit says to put the blender pitcher in the freezer for at least another 25-30 minutes then blend again just before serving, but I don’t really think that’s necessary. But if you’re patient, it definitely won’t hurt the consistency.

Divide it among a few glasses and enjoy!

NOTES: In addition to 1 cup of ice in that final step, the Bon Appétit recipe calls for only 3½ ounces of the strawberry syrup. I just threw it all in there and I don’t think it was too sweet (and I hate super sweet stuff). It also says this recipes makes 4 to 6 servings and my mother-in-law and I each had one glass and then blender was magically empty. So…

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Your New Favorite Fucking Greeting Cards

posted in: Other Fun Shit | 0

greeting cards inappropriate birthday cardsYou know those people who get an idea and then all of a sudden they’re neck deep in something they have no experience or business doing? Well, I’m totally one of those people. Before I could really cook, I somehow managed to sell and write a cookbook (believe me, I wish I could have a do-over on that thing). And a couple weeks ago, after designing some stationery for a friend’s new business, I decided I wanted to have my own line of greeting cards. A few days later, I placed my first order for five designs. And if you’ve been following this blog for its entire two-and-a-half month life, you know they have some fucking bad words on them.

happy fucking birthday card inappropriate greeting cards inappropriate birthday cardsThese cards fall into the category of “inappropriate greeting cards,” if such a category actually exists. But for me and my friends, I think they’re really fucking appropriate — especially the “this fucking sucks” sympathy card. Because you know what? Sometimes shit just really fucking sucks.

thank you so fucking much greeting card festive as fuck inappropriate greeting cards

I’m really excited about these cards and I can’t wait to add to the line. For now, you get these. All five cards have a pretty little design on the front and they’re all blank inside. They’re printed in the United States on 14-point uncoated card stock and packaged with a coordinating envelope in a protective plastic sleeve. Cards are $5 each and I offer flat rate shipping for $2.50. Even better, if you order eight cards or more, shipping is free. So, by my math — which usually results in lots of debt — you save money by buying more cards.

If you don’t want to deal with shipping at all and live in Kansas City, you can pick them up at Unbakery and Juicery. And for you New Yorkers, I have a big order en route to WORD Bookstores for both their Brooklyn and Jersey City locations, so check in there soon!

The rest of you: check out your new favorite fucking greeting cards here. And don’t worry, I’m already working on the fucking holiday cards. And I promise there will be more inappropriate birthday cards soon, too.

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Grilled Meyer Lemonade, With Whiskey, Of Course

posted in: Cocktails, Holidays, Memorial Day | 0

grilled lemonade cocktail recipeHey, it’s almost officially Memorial Day weekend! Which, for most people means three consecutive days off of work, grilled everything, and lots of drinking. While I totally endorse all that shit, let’s not forget this is a holiday meant to honor those who have died serving our country so we can all sit around stuffing our fucking faces, getting hammered, and acting like all-around jackasses. So, if you’re going to get drunk this weekend, that’s awesome. Just at least pour one out for the people we’re supposed to be memorializing. Maybe just don’t pour out this particular grilled lemonade cocktail. Pour out, like, warm Miller Lite or something.

Okay, so now that that’s out of the way, let’s get back to this grilled lemonade cocktail. Yes, it would be tricky to grill an entire cocktail. But it’s pretty easy to grill at least one element of it — in this case, the lemons — especially once you have the grill going. You just cut the lemons in half, dip them in some sugar, and put them over the fire until they have a nice char. Then, you mix the juice with whiskey and simple syrup. The end. (Oh, but speaking of grilling, here’s a thing I wrote for Bon Appetit about grilled eggs.)

grilled lemonade cocktail recipeAside from just being fucking cool, this really is one of my favorite cocktails. It’s tart, it’s sweet, and it’s boozy. Plus, it’s super easy to scale. Because it calls for two parts grilled lemon juice, two parts whiskey, and one part simple syrup, you can make just one, or you can whip up a huge batch for a cookout. And because it’s so simple, it’s great for mixing ahead of time and taking to a party. In fact, it tastes better after the flavors have had some time to hang out together for a while in the fridge.

I’ve made this with regular lemons and Meyer lemons, and they’re both great. But if you have Meyer lemons, use those. They’re a little sweeter than regular lemons, which never hurts a citrus-based cocktail. You can plan to get about 1/4 cup juice out of each grilled Meyer lemon, but don’t count on that exact measurement.

Grilled Lemonade Cocktail

INGREDIENTS

Meyer lemons
Sugar
Whiskey
Simple syrup

DIRECTIONS

Cut the lemons in half. Dip each half in sugar and grill the halves, fruit side down, over high heat until the sugar has charred on the lemons, about 2 to 4 minutes. When the lemons have cooled, juice each one.

To make the cocktail, mix two parts grilled lemon juice with two parts whiskey and one part simple syrup. Stir well and serve over ice. That’s fucking it. BOOM. You’re welcome.

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Free Digital Download: June 2017 Calendar

posted in: Calendars, Other Fun Shit | 0

Printable June 2017 Calendar Monstera Frond Free Digital DownloadOh, hi. It’s been nearly a month since I gave you my very first digital download, a printable May calendar, so now it’s time to get your printable June 2017 calendar, available at the bottom of this post as a free digital download.

Because the theme of everything in the fucking world right now is “put a monstera on it,” I put a monstera on it. And as much as I love color, I’m no stranger to the busted-ass printer so I’ve created a slightly different black-and-white version as well. As I mentioned last month, if you’re into coloring and have a stash of colored pencils or fine-point markers, you can fancy it up yourself.

Printable June 2017 Calendar Monstera Frond Free Digital DownloadI really do need to get around to setting up a newsletter so I can force you all to pretend to like me before I give you free shit. But until that happens, the only thing I ask in return is that you follow me on Instagram already. That’s not so hard, now is it?

Download your color calendar now! 

Download your black-and-white calendar now! 

And don’t forget to follow me on Instagram. (We’re on the honor system here. Don’t be a dick.)

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Sparkling Pink Lemonade — With Vodka

posted in: Cocktails | 0

sparkling pink lemonade with vodkaSpring is almost over. I mean, in like a month, but I’m going to miss it because I really fucking hate summer with its under-boob sweat, asshole mosquitoes, and blazing death sun. And while we still have a few weeks until the official switch, it is almost Memorial Day —which doesn’t technically mark the change of seasons, but it’s definitely when people start wearing flip flops like they’re actual shoes or something.

Anyway, I’m going to enjoy spring while I still can which means — yes — more rhubarb! This time, I put it in a sparkling pink lemonade. But it’s not, like, that fucking corn-syrup lemonade you buy in the store. It’s fresh-squeezed lemon juice and club soda. The sweetness comes from rhubarb syrup. Remember that stuff? I posted the recipe here. And here. And here. AND here. But I’ll post it again down below because I’m a fucking nice person who understands that you’re busy and you probably don’t have all damn day to click all over the internet.

In addition to making the lemonade sweet, the rhubarb syrup makes it pink. And I hear that’s all the rage these days. Of course, this drink is not super sweet, because that’s not my jam. If you’re not into sassy little tart drinks, you can always add more rhubarb syrup.

This is also one of the rare drinks I make with vodka. It just seemed appropriate, and as far as booze other than whiskey and gin go, vodka isn’t too offensive. (But next week, you’re totally getting a super-cool whiskey lemonade.)

Sparkling Pink Lemonade

INGREDIENTS

2 ounces vodka
1 ounce fresh-squeezed lemon juice
1.5 ounces rhubarb syrup
Club soda
Mint sprig for garnish

DIRECTIONS

Add the vodka, lemon juice, and rhubarb syrup to an old-fashioned or stemless wine glass. Mix well then add a handful of ice. Top off with club soda, garnish with a mint sprig, and enjoy.

RHUBARB SYRUP

Yield: 2 cups

INGREDIENTS

5-6 cups rhubarb, cut into ½-inch pieces
2 cups sugar
2 cups water
2 tablespoons apple cider vinegar
Pinch cinnamon
Pinch cardamom

DIRECTIONS

Add the rhubarb, sugar, and water to a medium-size pot over medium to high heat, stirring occasionally. Once it reaches a boil, reduce the heat to a simmer, and add the vinegar, cinnamon and cardamom. Stir, then let the mixture simmer for at least 30 minutes, or up to an hour. The longer it simmers the more syrupy it will become.

Strain into a bottle or mason jar and let it cool to room temperature, then seal and refrigerate. This will keep in the fridge for weeks.

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