Shit You Can Make and Wear: 10-Second Tassel Earrings

posted in: Crafts, Mother's Day | 0

DIY tassel earringsOh, hi. I’m back with another stupid-easy craft. And thank Sweet Baby Jesus we’re done with eggs. Because I am so god-damn sick of eggs. This time it’s 10-second DIY tassel earrings for Mother’s Day. Or any day, really. They’re super cute, super cheap, and they really do only take about 10 seconds to make. Okay, technically they’re only semi-handmade (holla, Sandra Lee!) thanks to pre-made tassels, but you can totally still say you made them.

Now, if you’ve been following this blog since the very beginning (an entire month!) you might be thinking, “Why the fuck is this bitch even posting ‘tutorials’ on shit I don’t need her help to make? Is she drunk?”

Well, you know what? I might be drunk. And you’re right; you probably don’t need my help. But maybe, unlike me, you didn’t walk through Target and spot a pack of colorful tassels and think, “I need to buy those because I’m going to make something with them, someday,” and then decide to put them on earring hooks a few weeks later.

DIY tassel earringsSo maybe you just need me to plant the idea that you can make these for your mom for Mother’s Day. Or, you can make a pair for her and a pair for you and it’s basically the modern version of friendship bracelets but for your mom, and she’ll think she’s the coolest because you want to wear the same jewelry as her. (And between you and me, I’m sure your mom is special and all, but these are so quick and easy you can make them for every mom you know and they’ll all think you’re the coolest — because you probably are, you beautiful, talented, brilliant, powerful musk ox.)

DIY Tassel EarringsAnyway, back to making these bad boys. While I know it’s super easy to DIY tassels, it’s even easier to buy them. I got a pack of 18 from Target for $5, but you can find them just about anywhere these days, because trends. I liked these because they’re kind of dainty and the tops are already fitted with small gold rings, which makes it ridiculously easy to pop them onto pretty gold earring hooks. Seriously, I just bent the hook open using small pliers, put the tassel on the hook, and closed it back up. BOOM.

DIY tassel earringsAnd because I’m a 90s bitch (well, I was born in the early 80s but thought I was pretty cool in the 90s), I have my left ear triple pierced. So I get to mix and match my DIY tassel earrings — an easy way to instantly look festive as fuck any time of year.

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I Made Fancy, Boozy Jell-O Eggs So You Don’t Have To

fancy boozy jello shot eggs

Confession: I love Jell-O shots. Back in my early drinking days, I was happy with cheap vodka and red Jell-O in a Sponge Bob Dixie cup, but years ago (even before the New York Times said it was cool) I started experimenting with more sophisticated combinations, like lemon Jell-O with basil and gin.

This week, when I got the crazy idea to make boozy Jell-O eggs for Easter — because what’s more festive than that? — I wanted to use the rhubarb syrup I had left over from my rhubarb whiskey sour, and found Anna Hezel’s recipe for champagne and gin rhubarb jelly shots over at Food52. It was a step up for me, because there’s no Jell-O packet involved — just straight gelatin — but it seemed easy enough to follow.

Hezel’s recipe calls for 2 cups rhubarb syrup (her syrup is slightly different than mine) and I only had 1¼ cup left, because cocktails. So I made up the difference with Morris Kitchen’s Preserved Lemon Syrup. But don’t worry; my recipe for rhubarb syrup makes exactly two cups. Also, I’m lazy and impatient as fuck, so instead of doing her beautiful layered thing — which takes two rounds of cooling — I did it all in one big batch. Oh, and because I really like booze, I increased the gin to champagne ratio.

fancy boozy jello shot eggs

So, you’re probably wondering: Is the recipe good? Yes, it’s amazing. And really not too complicated. It’s just the whole egg mold thing I might rethink.

For starters, egg-shaped Jell-O molds are hard to find. After trying four different stores, I was about to give up and just pour the mixture onto a jelly roll pan and use a cookie cutter to make egg-shaped jigglers (which, in retrospect, I probably should have done). But I eventually found some molds with tacky easter egg decor “texture” at a thrift store (and immediately bleached the shit out of them, of course).

Next problem? My funnel was too big for the hole in the mold, so I ended up using an insert from my kid’s bottle to fill them — though I’ve also seen people use syringes.

Finally, even though I used cooking spray on the molds, I still had a hard time getting the eggs out. Half of my first batch broke in half when I opened them. But I got smart the second time around, and ran the molds under warm water first, and that helped. A little.

fancy boozy jello shots

Am I glad I made these wobbly little booze bombs? Yes. I mean, do they look like penis heads? Or possibly the byproduct of an operating room? Sure, maybe a little. But you know what? They taste amazing, they’re festive as fuck, and if you eat enough of them, they’ll get you drunk.

RHUBARB SYRUP

Yield: 2 cups

INGREDIENTS

5-6 cups rhubarb, cut into 1/2- inch pieces
2 cups sugar
2 cups water
2 tablespoons apple cider vinegar
Pinch cinnamon
Pinch cardamom

DIRECTIONS

Add the rhubarb, sugar, and water to a medium-size pot over medium to high heat, stirring occasionally. Once it reaches a boil, reduce the heat to a simmer, and add the vinegar, cinnamon and cardamom. Stir, then let the mixture simmer for at least 30 minutes, or up to an hour. The longer it simmers the more syrupy it will become.

Strain into a bottle or mason jar and let it cool to room temperature, then seal and refrigerate. This will keep in the fridge for weeks. But you’ll probably use it all before that. (Also, the mushy stuff leftover in the strainer makes a really great rhubarb jam.)

rhubarb simple syrup recipe

Boozy Rhubarb Jell-O Egg Shots

Makes 18 eggs

INGREDIENTS

2 cups rhubarb syrup
8 1-oz packets powdered gelatin
1 cup fresh-squeezed Meyer lemon juice, strained
¼ cup sugar
1½ cups gin
2 cups Champagne or prosecco

DIRECTIONS

Spray 18 egg molds with cooking spray and set aside.

Warm the rhubarb syrup in a medium saucepan over medium-low heat. Before it reaches a boil, reduce the heat to low and whisk in the gelatin, one packet at a time. Continue to whisk for about 2 to 3 minutes, dissolving as much gelatin as possible. Add the lemon juice, and whisk, then the sugar, and whisk for another minute or two, until the sugar is fully dissolved.

Pour the mixture through a mesh strainer into a large mixing bowl (to catch the clumps of gelatin). Whisk in the gin, then the champagne. Let the mixture sit for a few minutes so some of the bubbles subside. Then, using a funnel and a measuring spoon, fill the prepared egg molds with the liquid mixture.

Refrigerate for 5 hours or overnight, and cross your fingers that shit comes out okay.

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Easter Crafts + Cocktails at Ça Va

crafts and cocktails event festive as fuck kansas city

Thank you so much to everyone who came out to my very first (SOLD OUT!!!) Crafts + Cocktails event at Ça Va — the most perfect little champagne bar in the Midwest — on Saturday. I don’t know what the fuck I was thinking committing to boiling 420 eggs before hand, but I got it done. I mean, my house and car smelled awful for a few days but it was totally worth it. We all got a little drunk at the mimosa bar, made some really cute shit, and had a great time. My only regret is that I didn’t take a selfie because my hair and lipstick looked amazing.

crafts and cocktails event festive as fuck kansas citycrafts and cocktails kansas city festive as fuckcrafts and cocktails event festive as fuck kansas citycrafts and cocktails event festive as fuck kansas cityI promise everyone had fun. At least I think they did. They may look all serious and shit, but that’s just because they were concentrating on their art.

crafts and cocktails event festive as fuck kansas citycrafts and cocktails event festive as fuck kansas citycrafts and cocktails event festive as fuck kansas citySee? Happy crafters!crafts and cocktails event festive as fuck kansas citycrafts and cocktails event festive as fuck kansas city crafts and cocktails event festive as fuck kansas city crafts and cocktails event festive as fuck kansas city crafts and cocktails event festive as fuck kansas citycrafts and cocktails event festive as fuck kansas city crafts and cocktails event festive as fuck kansas city

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Your Easter Brunch Survival Drink: The Morning O

posted in: Cocktails, Easter | 0

mimosa cocktail recipe

Holiday get togethers involving family can be stressful as fuck (which we don’t want, because that’s the opposite of festive as fuck). I know this better than most people. And it should come as no surprise that my not-so-secret weapon in this situation is booze. It doesn’t always work, but I’d say half the time I drink just enough that I’m able to turn the other cheek when my mom starts talking about Obama’s “Muslim tendencies,” and the other half I’m on the verge of flipping the table and throwing plates at the wall. But, hey, at least alcohol gives me about a 50% chance of being pleasant around Barb, and if you know me, you know those are decent odds.

If your family is anything like mine, now is the time to start gathering supplies for The Morning O, an orangey as fuck champagne cocktail-mimosa hybrid. It’s like a mimosa in that it’s made with (fresh!) orange juice and bubbly. But unlike a mimosa, it has bonus booze in the form of orange liqueur. And it’s served on ice. God, I love a bubbly cocktail with ice.

In addition to being good for everyone’s mood, it’s packed with vitamin C, so it’s basically medicine. (I know because I was super hungover on Thursday and then I drank one of these and felt much better after. So there.)

champagne cocktail recipe

The Morning O

INGREDIENTS

2 ounces fresh-squeezed orange juice
1 ounce Grand Marnier
Champagne or prosecco
Orange twist, for garnish*

DIRECTIONS

Add the orange juice and orange liqueur to a stemless wine glass. Add a handful of ice, then top it off with the champagne. Garnish with the orange twist and enjoy!

*Look, I know the orange twist is overkill. It’s totally unnecessary. But twists are just so damn pretty and everything is better in threes, right? And truth be told, I really I just couldn’t come up with a better garnish for this one (except for rosemary, but I used that last week). If you have a better idea, please let me know in the comments!

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Shiny Shit You Can Make: Metallic Sharpie Easter Eggs

posted in: Crafts, Easter, Holidays | 2

metallic sharpie easter eggs

Oh, hi! I’m back with yet another Easter craft — yes, more eggs! — that needs no tutorial. So instead, I’m going to give you some pretty pictures and smart-ass comments and let you take it from there. I mean, isn’t that what lifestyle blogging is all about? Inspiration and aspiration and all that shit? I think so. Fuck. I really hope I’m doing this right.

metallic sharpie easter eggs

Anyway, as you can probably deduce from the pictures and headline, these are metallic Sharpie Easter eggs. You dye eggs, then draw on them with metallic Sharpies. The end. But not really the end. Because I’m going to tell you some more things. Like, that even though I fucking love (like, stupid, ridiculous love) Sharpies, for this project the metallic Bic markers work better. And that metallic markers definitely need a little time to dry, so once you draw on half of an egg, chill the fuck out for, like, five minutes before turning it and decorating the other side. Move on to another egg, or have a drink, or give yourself a cute gold temporary Easter-themed tattoo.

metallic sharpie easter eggs

Also, if you think I freehanded the stripes, you’re sweet. I can’t draw a straight line to save my life, and especially not around a fucking oval. But I love stripes—at least half of my shirts are striped!—so I knew there had to be a way. And there was! I put a small rubber band on the egg to use as a guide. In case you’re wondering how small, think: the rubber band that comes on a bunch of broccolini; turns out it’s also the perfect size for an egg. (And, yes, I realize I just used a colon and a semi-colon in the same sentence. While I’m really starting to question that decision, I think I’m going to roll with it.) Just remember to let that shit dry before you take off the rubber band. (Here’s another Easter-themed temporary tattoo idea to keep you busy while you wait.)

metallic sharpie easter eggs

So, if that’s it, I guess I’ll just leave you with some more aspirational BS like live your best life and be authentic and I believe in you. And drink a green smoothie. Or maybe a matcha latte.

Okay, I’m off to forage my dinner in a chunky neutral sweater and duck boots. Until next time!

metallic sharpie easter eggs

P.S. If you live in Kansas City and want to make these with me while sipping on mimosas, join me for my very first Crafts and Cocktails event on Saturday, April 8 at Ça Va.

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