Free Digital Download: July 2017 Calendar

posted in: Calendars, Other Fun Shit | 0

Printable July 2017 Calendar Fern Frond Free Digital DownloadHey, friends. It’s that time of the month again! No, I don’t have my period. It’s just time to get your printable July 2017 calendar, available at the bottom of this post as a free digital download. (But, really, if I did have my period, what would you even do about it?) Anyway, this month I put some fern-like tropical frond thing on it. Because, as with everything lately, #putafrondonit, am I right? And because I assume your printer is as shitty as mine, I’ve made it available in both color and black and white again.

Printable July 2017 Calendar Fern Frond Free Digital DownloadOne thing you may notice is that the boxes are a little smaller than usual. That’s because this miserable month spans six damn weeks. Not six entire weeks, but it still touches down in six different weeks. Can you believe it? That’s six weeks in which we’ll be dealing with dirty feet, under-boob sweat, and general heat-induced malaise. But honestly, other than putting on sunscreen every 30 minutes, checking yourself for skin cancer, finally planning that move to Alaska, and procuring a big, floppy hat, you probably won’t need to write down much — because who can get anything done when it’s seven fucking million degrees outside?

Printable July 2017 Calendar Fern Frond Free Digital DownloadAnd I know I say it every month, but I really, really, really will get around to setting up a newsletter so I can mine your data before giving you free shit. Eventually. Until that happens, the only thing I ask in return is that you follow me on Instagram already. That’s not so hard, now is it? (Really, it’s NOT hard. Here’s the link one more time in case you missed it three sentences ago.) Now that all that business is out of the way, you can carry on with downloading your very own printable July 2017 calendar in color or black and white.

Download your color printable July 2017 calendar now! 

Download your black-and-white printable July 2017 calendar now! 

And don’t forget to follow me on Instagram. (We’re on the honor system here. Don’t be a dick.)

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A Grapefruit Ginger Mimosa for the Ginger Obsessed

posted in: Cocktails | 0
Photo by Bev Cooks

In case you haven’t noticed by now, I’m really into ginger. Like, REALLY into it — for sure make-out-with-it into it and maybe even leave-my-husband-for-it into it. I put it in whatever food I can, and I almost always find a way to sneak it into cocktails. This weekend, I’m helping to host a brunch for a local magazine thing (more on that later) and I’m in charge of drinks. Well, the boozy drinks anyway. It’s an outdoor brunch in the fucking armpit of summer (wait, is it really only the third day of summer?!), so it doesn’t really feel like the right time to make a spicy-as-fuck Bloody Mary, and a classic mimosa just seems BOR-ING. So, I decided to combine a few of my favorite things to make this refreshing AF grapefruit ginger mimosa.

Those favorite things — in case you haven’t figured it out by now — are fresh-squeezed ruby-red grapefruit juice (don’t be a monster who uses the bottled kind, okay?), ginger liqueur, and of course, a dry but ultimately cheap champagne. The grapefruit juice is a little more tart than traditional orange juice (I prefer the tartness), but the Domaine de Canton ginger liqueur I use is sweet and brings a nice balance to this bubbly drink.

grapefruit ginger mimosa recipe

But before we get to the actual recipe/proportions, a confession: Though I made this mimosa in a champagne flute this time, you should know I bought four of the damn things just for the magazine shoot. If I were just being my normal, laid-back, DGAF self, I would likely have used a stemless wine glass, or if I were feeling fancy, a coupe glass. I have major beef with most stemmed glasses, but a coupe is just so fucking sexy (exhibit A, exhibit B). I know people will tell you it really matters what you put your drink in, and when you’re sipping a fancy craft beer or expensive red wine, sure, it matters. But for this I say: FUCK IT. PUT IT IN A SOLO CUP FOR ALL I CARE. It’s still gonna taste good and get you tipsy.

Grapefruit Ginger Mimosa

INGREDIENTS

2 ounces fresh-squeezed ruby-red grapefruit juice
1 ounce Domaine de Canton ginger liqueur
Chilled champagne

DIRECTIONS

Add the grapefruit juice and ginger liqueur to a champagne flute (or just a stemless wine glass if you’re unfussy but totally cool like me before I had to buy these stupid fancy flutes), then top it off with the chilled champagne. Enjoy!

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Cheap-As-Shit DIY “Brass” Hanging Planter

posted in: Crafts | 2

diy brass hanging planter ikea hackI know it’s been a minute since I’ve posted a craft tutorial. And for that, I’m sorry. I’ve been busy with work-work, and no one is paying me to do this shit — yet, anyway. (Related: Anyone want to pay me to do this shit? Now taking sponsors!). To make it up to you, I’d like to think I’m back in a big way with this amazing, easy, DIY brass hanging planter-slash-best IKEA hack ever.

Brass hanging planters have been on my mind for a while, ever since my new pal Bev had me over for drinks (her plant game is on point). I wanted to buy one for my own house, but at $198 a pop, let’s just say, um, hell no. So I started thinking about how I could make one. Well, I didn’t think so much as I just started spray painting and drilling into shit and made multiple trips to Dollar General and the hardware store and got super high on spray-paint fumes more than once even though I know I shouldn’t spray paint indoors — only to make something that looked like total trash. Part of the problem was the cheap-ass plastic bowl. The other issue was that I couldn’t find an actual brass-colored spray paint at any of the four hardware stores I visited.

After all that, I knew I needed a better paint color. And I needed a metal bowl, not a bullshit dollar-store plastic one. In fact, I had a shape — actually a very specific bowl — in mind. It just took me two days of fucking around with other materials before I remembered that said bowl was from IKEA — and it cost only $5. And even though I know it’s evil, there’s a store that rhymes with “stobby shobby” right next to my IKEA and I figured they might have brass spray paint, and I was over in that part of town anyway, and God dammit, I was right.

diy brass hanging planter ikea hackSo, in less than an hour, I spray painted a bowl, let it dry, tied some fucking rope around it, and tried to forget about all the time and money I wasted getting to this point. TL:DR: I burned through time and money and brain cells so you don’t have to. You’re welcome.diy brass hanging planter ikea hack macrameIf you want to make your own DIY brass hanging planter, here’s what you’ll need:

  • IKEA Blanda Blank Bowl
  • Brass (or gold) spray paint
  • Sand paper (optional)
  • Rope
  • Washi tape
  • Scissors
  • Potting soil
  • Plant (preferably one that will cascade as it grows)

If you’re feeling super not-lazy, sand the outside of the bowl a bit to give it some texture.

diy brass hanging planter ikea hack macrameSpray it with brass or gold spray paint and let it dry. (I should probably take this opportunity to let you know that the particular brass spray paint I used was not the easiest thing in the world to deal with. I had a few mess-ups that I sanded out, but honestly, they just kind of gave the whole thing a nice aged look. And I give a suggestion for a fairly comparable gold paint down below.)
diy brass hanging planter ikea hack macrameWhen the paint is dry, tie some fucking rope around it to create the hanger. I used this tutorial, and I guess it’s macrame? Or not. Anyway, let’s just say it is. It was my first-ever macrame-ish project and it took less than 10 minutes and it was SO easy. One recommendation, though: Do the macrame before you paint the bowl. While the brass paint stood up to the washi tape I used to hold the rope in place, one of the many other paints I tried did not.

diy brass hanging planter ikea hack macrameAt my local plant store, I found an eco liner that fit perfectly in the bowl. I figure it will help a bit with drainage, but that might also be all in my head (this planter doesn’t have any drainage feature, so I’m just going to try to avoid overwatering my plant). diy brass hanging planter ikea hack macrameI put it all together, hung it in my dining room and decided it looked like a million fucking dollars. Or at least 198 dollars. diy brass hanging planter ikea hack macrameI liked it so much and it was so damn easy, I made another one for my bathroom using the smaller Blanda Blank bowl. (Speaking of, how many plants is too many plants to have in a small bathroom? Because right now I’m up to six.) For this one, I used the Krylon Short Cuts in Gold Leaf (also from the evil store, but I’m sure you can find it elsewhere) and and it was worlds easier to use. No mess-ups, perfect on the first try, and close enough to brass that if I make another one, I’ll definitely use this paint. diy brass hanging planter ikea hackIf you’re looking for a ridiculously easy, super-impressive DIY, this is it.

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An Ode to the Simple Whiskey Soda

posted in: Cocktails | 0

whiskey soda cocktail

Okay, I’ll admit it: the whiskey soda is not the most festive cocktail in the world. In fact, it’s kind of boring as fuck. But it’s still so wonderful in so many ways.

To start, the whiskey soda cocktail doesn’t require any measuring, and really, you don’t even need a recipe. Just put some whiskey and club soda over ice in whatever proportions you’d like, and you have a boozy, bubbly drink in less than 30 seconds. And speaking of those proportions, you can make it super strong (e.g. whiskey with a splash of soda) or when you’re super hungover, you can do what I do: club soda with a splash of whiskey.

You can add a lime wedge, a twist, or even a dash of Angostura bitters. Or nothing at all. And if you’re feeling frisky, that club soda can be your favorite flavor of La Croix. It may not play beautifully with the whiskey, depending what flavor you choose and what whiskey you’re using, but — come on — if you’re adding La Croix to your whiskey, do you really fucking care that much?

Plus, when you’re on a low-carb diet, like I’m supposed to be right now, the whiskey soda is a perfectly fine drink that has NO CARBS. Yes, I repeat, the whiskey soda cocktail has zero carbs. I still don’t understand how whiskey doesn’t have any damn carbs, but I’m not going to fight anybody about it.

Perhaps the best thing about a whiskey soda is that it’s a great way to drink shitty whiskey. While I am in no way advocating the regular consumption of bad booze, sometimes you’re out and about and the bar selection is less than desirable. That’s when you order a whiskey soda with a lime. Of course, if you’re making a whiskey soda cocktail at home, you should use something you like — maybe just don’t use your most expensive stuff.

whiskey soda cocktail

WHISKEY SODA COCKTAIL

INGREDIENTS

Whiskey (as much as you damn well please)
Soda (as much as you damn well please)

DIRECTIONS
Fill an old-fashioned glass a handful of ice. Add whiskey, then club soda. Enjoy.

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It’s Negroni Week, Bitches!

posted in: Cocktails | 0

what is negroni week cocktail recipeIf you have any friends in the bar or booze industries, chances are good your Facebook and Instagram feeds have been filled with images of a bright red cocktail the past few days. That’s because it’s fucking Negroni Week! But if you’re anything like me a few years ago, you’re all, “Cool, Negroni Week. But, wait, what is Negroni Week?”

Well, let me tell you: Founded by Imbibe Magazine and Campari (one of the three ingredients in the drink) in 2013, Negroni Week is a celebration of a great classic cocktail, as well as an effort to raise money for charitable causes around the world. For seven days, participating bars mix up any old variation on the Negroni they please, then donate a portion of the proceeds to a charity of their choice.

what is negroni week

The Negroni in its simplest form is quite easy: one part gin, one part sweet vermouth, and one part Campari. And that simplicity is why people love making riffs on it. In fact, I was in the middle of playing around with adding adding some Barrow’s Intense ginger liqueur to mine yesterday when I noticed a fellow Instagrammer beat me to it. So then I tried adding some ginger beer instead. And you know what? NOPE. Don’t do that. It was nasty as fuck.

In the end, I decided to stick to the classic, but add a few bubbles in the form of club soda. This is a good addition for Negroni newbies, too, since the drink is fairly bitter. And it’s really not a terrible idea to add something that’s not booze, considering the base recipe is just three different kinds of alcohol.

Even if you don’t make it out to a participating bar this week, you can still play along at home. Just mixi up this almost-classic version, then donate a few bucks to a cause close to your heart. (If you’re anything like me, there are a lot of those right now.)

Slightly Sparkling Negroni

INGREDIENTS

1 part gin
1 part sweet vermouth
1 part Campari
Club soda
Orange peel for garnish

DIRECTIONS

Add the gin, vermouth, and Campari in equal parts to an old-fashioned glass. Add a handful of ice, stir well, top off with club soda, garnish with the orange peel and enjoy! (You can also just shake the first three ingredients in a shaker with ice, which is what I like to do, then top it off with club soda.)

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