It’s officially spring! Not that I’ve been anxiously awaiting it. Seriously. It’s been somewhere between 17 and 87 degrees Fahrenheit in the Midwest for the last month or so, and last weekend felt like the goddamn armit of summertime. But whatever, it’s finally spring and now I get to share one of my favorite seasonal drink recipes, The Spring Schwing.
A very loose but pretty-fucking-fancy take on the classic Paloma cocktail, this tequila and ruby-red grapefruit concoction also features one of my favorite flavors in the world: ginger. And no, I’m not using ginger beer again. At least not this time.
Both the ginger and the sweetness in this drink come from Domaine de Canton, a ginger liqueur that really should be a fixture in your home bar. It’s easy to find in most liquor stores, and if you’re going to put fucking sugar water in your drinks anyway, it might as well be boozy and gingery, right? I mean, there are very few drinks that aren’t improved with a little splash of this golden goodness. (That said, if you love ginger as much as I do, and you like it spicy, I also recommend Barrow’s Intense ginger liqueur, but I can’t keep that shit in the house or I’ll drink the entire bottle in a week. No joke.)
Anyway, ruby-red grapefruit is in season right now, so it’s available at most grocery stores and markets. Of course, you could substitute bottled juice, but fresh citrus does so much more for cocktails than the pre-bottled stuff — and really, if you can’t be bothered to juice one fucking grapefruit, why don’t you just go sit over there and suck down some Red Bull and vodka while you flip through Kim Kardashian’s selfie book.
You may want to strain the pulp if that kind of thing ruins your schwing, but other than that, this drink goes down real easy.
The Spring Schwing
1 ounce reposado tequila
1 ounce Domaine de Canton ginger liqueur
2 ounces fresh-squeezed ruby red grapefruit juice
1 sprig rosemary, for garnish
Add the tequila, ginger liqueur and grapefruit juice to an old-fashioned or stemless wine glass. Stir well, add a handful of ice (or one giant ice cube) and top off with club soda. Garnish with a sprig of fresh rosemary.
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If one more person tells me they can’t do anything creative, I’m going to lose my shit. Because you know what? With some pretty washi tape and scissors, you can make these beautiful Easter eggs. Anyone can make these eggs. Like, you don’t even need to be able to cut in a straight line, because tape isn’t wide.
Seriously, guys. These eggs are ridiculously simple and they look like something you’d pay $26 a piece for at fucking Anthropologie and then lie to your husband and tell him you made them or got them at Dollar Tree. Except this time you really are going to make them. Twelve of them for less than $10! (Then you can go buy something else at Anthropologie with all that money you saved. Maybe this $85 egg holder? After all, you’re going to need a way to display your thrifty DIY.)
Have I mentioned how easy these are? I mean, I honestly can’t even believe I’m typing out multiple paragraphs of instructions — for adults — on how to put tape on a fucking hard-boiled egg, but here I go.
Washi Tape Easter Eggs
1. Buy the trash eggs for $1.09 a dozen (because you have absolutely no plans to eat them* unless you want to sulfur fart for a week), an egg dyeing kit for $1.99 and a few rolls of washi tape, and maybe some glitter tape if you’re feeling fancy, for $2 to $3 each.
2. Hard-boil those eggs — only so they don’t break and they’ll take longer to stink (I think. I could be wrong about this stink part because now that I think about it, hard boiled eggs are pretty stinky. Anyway….). If you mess them up, that’s cool. Like I said, you’re not going to eat them.
3. Once the eggs have cooled, dye them. Here’s a creative tip: If you dye all of the eggs similar shades they’re going to look fancier, but really, dye them however the fuck you want. Or don’t dye them. But if you do, the longer you leave an egg in the dye, the more intense the color, so you could leave some in for two minutes, some for five — you get the drift.
4. Once the dye is completely dry, cut up some washi tape and put it on those eggs. If you mess it up, take it off. Washi tape can’t even hold fucking wrapping paper in place so you better believe it comes off of an egg pretty easily. Here’s another creative tip: If you get a few different kinds of washi tape in similar color palettes, like these different gold tapes I used, and then put them on your monochromatic-dyed eggs, they’re going to look rich as shit. In fact, here’s a cool set that’s already put together and really strips this project of any need for creativity.
You can do this, you rainbow-infused space shark. I believe in you!
*Did you guys eat your Easter eggs when you were kids? We totally did, and looking back, that’s pretty gross. Though maybe we only dyed them the day before Easter? I can’t even remember. I like to keep my holiday displays up for a few weeks, so these are going to be more like biohazards than foodstuffs. Of course, if you want to make them right before Easter and use cage-free, farm-fresh eggs, that’s even better.
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You’d think that as a person who loves holidays almost as much as I love drinking, I’d be all over the major drinking holidays. But it’s just the opposite. I refuse to leave my house on both New Year’s Eve and St. Patrick’s Day, and as far as I’m concerned, the latter is just an excuse for Americans to get shit faced, barf in the street and swap vom-flavored spit with horny dudes wearing “Kiss Me, I’m Irish” t-shirts. But I know I’m in the minority here, so I made a cocktail for you. I mean, I didn’t create it; I have to be excited about a holiday to actually take the time come up with an original themed drink. Still, finding a decent fucking cocktail to celebrate a day synonymous with green beer isn’t exactly easy.
Sadly, when you google “Irish cocktails,” the first hits include Irish Car Bomb, Baby Guinness, Orgasm, Quick Fuck, and the Slippery Nipple. But those aren’t really Irish cocktails. That’s the menu for a shitty Irish pub opened by three frat guys from Florida. A search for “St. Patrick’s Day cocktails” turns up similarly disgusting results, including Shamrock Juice — which is gin AND tequila AND rum AND vodka AND Blue Curaco plus some orange juice. While I’m impressed that someone could put together a green drink without any food coloring or Sour Apple Pucker, that sure sounds like something you should throw back if you want to pass out face-first into a pile of your own turquoise vomit.
Whilst googling, however, I remembered that a few years ago, the fine folks at Jameson sent me a recipe for a fantastic St. Patrick’s Day cocktail. In addition to Jameson, the South Side Smash is mixed with Fernet Branca, lime juice, and simple syrup. It’s strong, sweet, and a little tart—overall, a wonderful and festive way to begin (or end) a more grown-up St. Patrick’s Day. And since it’s garnished with mint, you’ll have a green drink in your hand that, unlike green beer, won’t turn your shit green. Plus, it kind of looks like an adorable pot of gold, so how’s that for fucking festive?
Jameson recommends using its Black Barrel Irish Whiskey for this one, but I used the regular stuff and it was great.
Sláinte! And enjoy your hangovers, suckers!
The South Side Smash
1½ ounces Jameson Irish Whiskey
½ ounce Fernet Branca
¾ ounce fresh-squeezed lime juice
1 ounce simple syrup
6-8 fresh mint leaves
Mint sprig for garnish
Combine the whiskey, Fernet, lime juice, and simple syrup, along with the loose mint leaves, in a cocktail shaker with a handful of ice and shake vigorously (you want to bruise the mint leaves to release some of the oils). Strain into an ice-filled rocks or half-pint glass. Garnish with a mint sprig and enjoy.
NOTE: Jameson didn’t pay me or even provide me any booze to write this, but they did take me on a pretty sweet trip to Ireland for a real St. Patrick’s Day experience a few years ago. So when it comes to whiskey for St. Patrick’s Day, they’ll always be my number-one boo.
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I don’t do Valentine’s Day. As far as I’m concerned, if you feel the need to go all out on a holiday that exists so you’ll buy overpriced prix-fixe dinners and super clichéd roses, you’re probably a shitty partner the rest of the year. But that doesn’t mean I won’t be enjoying a cocktail at home with my husband that night. Because I will. You know, just like every other Tuesday evening.
If you’re also planning a quiet (or bangin’) night in on February 14 — whether you’re spending it with your significant other, Netflix or both — consider mixing up a couple of these whiskey-based cocktails with ruby red grapefruit juice, ginger liqueur (I use Domaine de Canton), ginger beer and Angostura Bitters. Ginger is supposedly an aphrodisiac — though it takes a lot more than that to get me in the mood — and thanks to the ruby-red grapefruit juice and bitters, this almost counts as a pink drink. Almost. But it doesn’t fucking taste like one, and that’s a good thing.
A Pink Drink To Get You in the Fucking Mood
2 ounces whiskey
1 ounce ruby red grapefruit juice
½ ounce ginger liqueur
6 dashes Angostura Bitters
Add the whiskey, grapefruit juice, ginger liqueur, and bitters to a double rocks, Collins or stemless wine glass. Stir and add a handful of ice. Top it off with cold ginger beer and enjoy!
NOTE: When buying ginger beer, be sure to get a good one, like Gosling’s, Fentiman’s, Reed’s or Cock’n Bull, and definitely don’t try to substitute ginger ale, unless you want your drink to taste like some, sad watered-down version of adulthood.
I know I’m in a minority, at least among my friends and family, but for years, I’ve refused to leave my house on December 31. Here are my top five reasons to stay in on New Year’s Eve.
1. Drunk Assholes
Drunk people can be fun, if they’re your friends and if you’re one of them. But it seems like everyone and their mother thinks the goal on New Year’s Eve is to get as wasted as possible — especially the amateur drinkers who really can’t handle that much booze. Do you really want to ring in the New Year with someone’s drunk mom?
2. Fucking Drunk Drivers
The worst kind of drunk people are the ones who think it’s okay to get behind the wheel after they’ve had a few too many. And unfortunately, on a big drinking holiday (see No. 1) there are more drunk drivers on the road than usual. Just because you’re responsible and decided to call an Uber doesn’t mean the person in the other lane did the same.
3. Ugh, Money
Have you noticed that everything is more expensive on New Year’s Eve? Whether you need a special ticket to step foot onto a block of bars you usually frequent for free, or your favorite restaurant is offering a special prix-fixe or buffet dinner, you’re going to spend more money on December 31 than you would on any other night. Instead, put the money toward a nice bottle of whiskey or champagne you can enjoy in the comfort of your own home. Plus, it’s pretty easy to make restaurant-quality food on your own.
4. Bullshit Uncomfortable Shoes
You’re not going to buy an overpriced ticket or prix-fixe dinner then head out for a big party night in your most broken-in sneakers, now are you? Nope. If you’re going out on New Year’s Eve, chances are good you’ll want to get dressed up, which usually includes uncomfortable shoes. Think about it: Standing waiting for a drink at a bar in uncomfortable shoes. Standing in the buffet line in uncomfortable shoes. Standing in the cold waiting for your Uber in uncomfortable shoes. Is that really how you want to end this horrible year — standing around in uncomfortable footwear? Instead, I recommend cozying up on your comfortable couch in comfy socks with a comfy bottle of whiskey or wine.
5. Oh Yeah, No One Likes You
New Year’s Eve may be a special occasion for you, but it’s a horrible night for restaurants. As someone who’s had to work in a restaurant on this “holiday,” I will tell you no one wants to serve your drunk ass that night. The amateur drinkers (see No. 1) tend to get super demanding and often leave horrible tips because they think they’ve already spent too much, and your server is trying to tend to 12 tables just like that. Plus, the kitchen is working overtime to keep the buffet stocked with whatever rice pilaf and medium-rare filet they’re mass producing back there.