Free Digital Download: May 2017 Calendar

posted in: Calendars, Other Fun Shit | 2

printable may 2017 calendar free digital downloadEven though May is my birthday month, I decided to give you a gift. Generous, right? I know. It’s a printable May 2017 calendar featuring pretty peonies, and it’s available at the bottom of this post as a free digital download.

Now, as much as I love color, I decided to keep it black and white — because if your printer sucks as much as mine does, this is as good as it gets. (Seriously, why the hell is printer technology stuck in 1997?). Plus, if you’re into coloring and have a stash of super-sharp colored pencils or fine-point markers, you can fancy it up yourself. So, it’s useful, and a kind of a craft (or maybe more of an art project), and possibly even a stress reliever. Best of all, it’s free. And who doesn’t love free shit?

While I’ll eventually probably ask people to sign up for a newsletter or something to get the file (and I’ll most definitely get it up earlier in the month going forward), this time I’m keeping things simple. In fact, the only thing I ask in return is that you follow me on Instagram already. That’s not so hard, now is it?

printable may 2017 calendar free digital downloadAnd if you feel like jotting down my birthday, it’s the 9th. And I’ll be 35. Oh, holy hell.

Download your calendar now! 

And don’t forget to follow me on Instagram. (We’re on the honor system here. Don’t be a dick.)

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Crafts + Cocktails: Mother’s Day Edition

mother's day kansas city crafts cocktails emily farris

Hey, remember when I said you should make a pair of 10-Second Tassel Earrings for yourself and then a matchy-matchy pair for your mom for Mother’s Day and then she’d think she was cool and blah, blah, blah? No? Well, I did. And if you live in or around Kansas City, I’m about to make that really fucking easy for you. That’s because I’m teaming up with Urban Provisions General Store in the East Bottoms for the second installment of my Crafts + Cocktails series.

This time it’s all about earrings. Tassel earrings mostly, but I’ll have other fun trinkets, too, like little brass bars and whatever else I can round up between now and then. Unlike my Easter Crafts + Cocktails event at Ça Va earlier this month, this one won’t be ticketed, and thank the sweet baby Flying Spaghetti Monster I don’t have to hard-boil 420 eggs — because that shit was rough.

For this shindig, all you have to do is stop by Urban Provisions on Sunday, May 7 between 11 am and 2 pm and fork over $15. That gets you supplies for two pairs of earrings, cocktails by me (featuring Kansas City Canning Company goodies), and cute AF gift wrap for your second pair. While we’re not ticketing, it would be great if you could RSVP on Facebook so we have enough supplies (and booze, duh) for everyone.

Crafts + Cocktails: Easter Edition | Saturday, May 7 | 11 am – 2 pm | KCMO

And if you don’t live in Kansas City, don’t worry. These earrings are SUPER easy to make; you can find the totally unnecessary tutorial here.

P.S. If you haven’t been to Urban Provisions yet, I’ll tell you two things: 1. You’re going to want to buy everything in the store (#sorrynotsorry), and 2. Have your GPS handy.

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A Not-Shitty Daiquiri — With Rhubarb!

posted in: Cocktails | 0

rhubarb_daiquiri-

I’m a little ashamed to admit this, but when I think of daiquiris, I think of what is basically the grown-up version of a Slurpee machine. Because where I come from, daiquiris most definitely come out of frozen drink machines. Probably with some mold, and hopefully with at least a little cheap-ass rum to kill all of that fungus and bacteria and shit. Oh, and they’re red. So, so red.

But a few years ago, I watched bartenders I respect put daiquiris on their menus. And, honestly, I got all judgy for, like, 30 seconds, but then I thought they probably knew something I didn’t. Which turned out to be very true.

A daiquiri, by definition, is just a cocktail made with rum, lime juice, and simple syrup. Even though I’m not a huge rum fan, that sounds pretty great. Because what’s better than sweet, tart, and boozy? (Not very many things. The answer is, “Not very many things.”)

So, in my ongoing quest to put rhubarb syrup in whatever I can this spring, I decided I’d try making a rhubarb daiquiri. And — like everything else that’s been touched by the magical pink elixir — it was amazing.

Now, I’m pleased as punch to share with you my not-shitty rhubarb daiquiri recipe. But first, a tip (one I shared on Instagram yesterday).

rhubarb_daiquiri

Did you know that a cocktail strainer fits perfectly in the top of a wide-mouth mason jar? Well, now you do. You’re welcome.

Okay, the recipe.

Rhubarb Daiquiri

INGREDIENTS

2 ounces white rum
1 ounce fresh-squeezed lime juice
1 ounce rhubarb syrup (see below)

DIRECTIONS

Add all ingredients to a cocktail shaker (or even better, a wide-mouth mason jar) with a handful of ice. Shake really well — like, until the jar gets all frosty and shit — then strain into a coupe glass.

RHUBARB SYRUP

Yield: 2 cups

INGREDIENTS

5-6 cups rhubarb, cut into ½-inch pieces
2 cups sugar
2 cups water
2 tablespoons apple cider vinegar
Pinch cinnamon
Pinch cardamom

DIRECTIONS

Add the rhubarb, sugar, and water to a medium-size pot over medium to high heat, stirring occasionally. Once it reaches a boil, reduce the heat to a simmer, and add the vinegar, cinnamon and cardamom. Stir, then let the mixture simmer for at least 30 minutes, or up to an hour. The longer it simmers the more syrupy it will become.

Strain into a bottle or mason jar and let it cool to room temperature, then seal and refrigerate. This will keep in the fridge for weeks. But you’ll probably use it all before that. (Also, the mushy stuff leftover in the strainer makes a really great rhubarb jam.)

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Shit You Can Make and Wear: 10-Second Tassel Earrings

posted in: Crafts, Mother's Day | 0

DIY tassel earringsOh, hi. I’m back with another stupid-easy craft. And thank Sweet Baby Jesus we’re done with eggs. Because I am so god-damn sick of eggs. This time it’s 10-second DIY tassel earrings for Mother’s Day. Or any day, really. They’re super cute, super cheap, and they really do only take about 10 seconds to make. Okay, technically they’re only semi-handmade (holla, Sandra Lee!) thanks to pre-made tassels, but you can totally still say you made them.

Now, if you’ve been following this blog since the very beginning (an entire month!) you might be thinking, “Why the fuck is this bitch even posting ‘tutorials’ on shit I don’t need her help to make? Is she drunk?”

Well, you know what? I might be drunk. And you’re right; you probably don’t need my help. But maybe, unlike me, you didn’t walk through Target and spot a pack of colorful tassels and think, “I need to buy those because I’m going to make something with them, someday,” and then decide to put them on earring hooks a few weeks later.

DIY tassel earringsSo maybe you just need me to plant the idea that you can make these for your mom for Mother’s Day. Or, you can make a pair for her and a pair for you and it’s basically the modern version of friendship bracelets but for your mom, and she’ll think she’s the coolest because you want to wear the same jewelry as her. (And between you and me, I’m sure your mom is special and all, but these are so quick and easy you can make them for every mom you know and they’ll all think you’re the coolest — because you probably are, you beautiful, talented, brilliant, powerful musk ox.)

DIY Tassel EarringsAnyway, back to making these bad boys. While I know it’s super easy to DIY tassels, it’s even easier to buy them. I got a pack of 18 from Target for $5, but you can find them just about anywhere these days, because trends. I liked these because they’re kind of dainty and the tops are already fitted with small gold rings, which makes it ridiculously easy to pop them onto pretty gold earring hooks. Seriously, I just bent the hook open using small pliers, put the tassel on the hook, and closed it back up. BOOM.

DIY tassel earringsAnd because I’m a 90s bitch (well, I was born in the early 80s but thought I was pretty cool in the 90s), I have my left ear triple pierced. So I get to mix and match my DIY tassel earrings — an easy way to instantly look festive as fuck any time of year.

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I Made Fancy, Boozy Jell-O Eggs So You Don’t Have To

fancy boozy jello shot eggs

Confession: I love Jell-O shots. Back in my early drinking days, I was happy with cheap vodka and red Jell-O in a Sponge Bob Dixie cup, but years ago (even before the New York Times said it was cool) I started experimenting with more sophisticated combinations, like lemon Jell-O with basil and gin.

This week, when I got the crazy idea to make boozy Jell-O eggs for Easter — because what’s more festive than that? — I wanted to use the rhubarb syrup I had left over from my rhubarb whiskey sour, and found Anna Hezel’s recipe for champagne and gin rhubarb jelly shots over at Food52. It was a step up for me, because there’s no Jell-O packet involved — just straight gelatin — but it seemed easy enough to follow.

Hezel’s recipe calls for 2 cups rhubarb syrup (her syrup is slightly different than mine) and I only had 1¼ cup left, because cocktails. So I made up the difference with Morris Kitchen’s Preserved Lemon Syrup. But don’t worry; my recipe for rhubarb syrup makes exactly two cups. Also, I’m lazy and impatient as fuck, so instead of doing her beautiful layered thing — which takes two rounds of cooling — I did it all in one big batch. Oh, and because I really like booze, I increased the gin to champagne ratio.

fancy boozy jello shot eggs

So, you’re probably wondering: Is the recipe good? Yes, it’s amazing. And really not too complicated. It’s just the whole egg mold thing I might rethink.

For starters, egg-shaped Jell-O molds are hard to find. After trying four different stores, I was about to give up and just pour the mixture onto a jelly roll pan and use a cookie cutter to make egg-shaped jigglers (which, in retrospect, I probably should have done). But I eventually found some molds with tacky easter egg decor “texture” at a thrift store (and immediately bleached the shit out of them, of course).

Next problem? My funnel was too big for the hole in the mold, so I ended up using an insert from my kid’s bottle to fill them — though I’ve also seen people use syringes.

Finally, even though I used cooking spray on the molds, I still had a hard time getting the eggs out. Half of my first batch broke in half when I opened them. But I got smart the second time around, and ran the molds under warm water first, and that helped. A little.

fancy boozy jello shots

Am I glad I made these wobbly little booze bombs? Yes. I mean, do they look like penis heads? Or possibly the byproduct of an operating room? Sure, maybe a little. But you know what? They taste amazing, they’re festive as fuck, and if you eat enough of them, they’ll get you drunk.

RHUBARB SYRUP

Yield: 2 cups

INGREDIENTS

5-6 cups rhubarb, cut into 1/2- inch pieces
2 cups sugar
2 cups water
2 tablespoons apple cider vinegar
Pinch cinnamon
Pinch cardamom

DIRECTIONS

Add the rhubarb, sugar, and water to a medium-size pot over medium to high heat, stirring occasionally. Once it reaches a boil, reduce the heat to a simmer, and add the vinegar, cinnamon and cardamom. Stir, then let the mixture simmer for at least 30 minutes, or up to an hour. The longer it simmers the more syrupy it will become.

Strain into a bottle or mason jar and let it cool to room temperature, then seal and refrigerate. This will keep in the fridge for weeks. But you’ll probably use it all before that. (Also, the mushy stuff leftover in the strainer makes a really great rhubarb jam.)

rhubarb simple syrup recipe

Boozy Rhubarb Jell-O Egg Shots

Makes 18 eggs

INGREDIENTS

2 cups rhubarb syrup
8 1-oz packets powdered gelatin
1 cup fresh-squeezed Meyer lemon juice, strained
¼ cup sugar
1½ cups gin
2 cups Champagne or prosecco

DIRECTIONS

Spray 18 egg molds with cooking spray and set aside.

Warm the rhubarb syrup in a medium saucepan over medium-low heat. Before it reaches a boil, reduce the heat to low and whisk in the gelatin, one packet at a time. Continue to whisk for about 2 to 3 minutes, dissolving as much gelatin as possible. Add the lemon juice, and whisk, then the sugar, and whisk for another minute or two, until the sugar is fully dissolved.

Pour the mixture through a mesh strainer into a large mixing bowl (to catch the clumps of gelatin). Whisk in the gin, then the champagne. Let the mixture sit for a few minutes so some of the bubbles subside. Then, using a funnel and a measuring spoon, fill the prepared egg molds with the liquid mixture.

Refrigerate for 5 hours or overnight, and cross your fingers that shit comes out okay.

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