Easy AF Chalkboard Pumpkin Non-Tutorial

chalkboard paint pumpkinOh, you think it’s too soon for me to post Halloween content? You should know me better than that by now. Anyway, this chalkboard paint pumpkin has been sitting around my house for, like, a month already. I made a chalkboard paint pumpkin slideshow tutorial for work a while back, but I’m a fucking nice person so I’m gonna give you the CliffsNotes (even though I’m sure you can figure it out on your own) without giving away all the really fucking wholesome content I wrote for the brand:

  1. Paint a pumpkin with chalkboard paint.
  2. Let that shit dry.
  3. Write some damn words on it with chalk — though a chalk marker works better.

P.S. This is not the message I wrote on the pumpkin for the brand tutorial. Duh.

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Celebrate the Season with The Early Fall Lowball

posted in: Cocktails | 0

chai tea cocktailRejoice! For it is fall. Like, really, officially fall. I guess if you want to be a know-it-all science asshole, it doesn’t actually happen until the autumnal equinox this afternoon, but that’s like trying to tell someone they can’t have a birthday drink before work because they weren’t born until 4 p.m. and fuck that noise. I’m still having a hard time wrapping my head around it all, mostly because it’s been in the fucking nineties here and it still feels like the god-damn armpit of summer. But according to the calendar, IT. IS. FALL. To celebrate, I busted out this chai tea cocktail I made a few years ago, back when it was still summer but felt like fall (which is a much better situation than the current one). It’s perfect for this god-awful transitional weather because it has spicy, fall-inspired notes thanks to the chai tea and Peychaud’s bitters. But it’s also cold and won’t add to your under-boob sweat situation (unless booze makes you sweaty — in which case, welcome to the club, sister).

Anyway, I know I just made a tea and whiskey cocktail, but this one is different, and a little less weird. It’s a little spicy and just-so-slightly sweet, thanks to the Grand Marnier. I handed one to my sister (honestly, so she’d give my kid a bath so I could take this picture while I still had daylight), and she said, “It reminds me of something I drank back when I could afford fancy drinks.” And I’m totally fucking taking that as a compliment. Also, I feel like I need to start paying her to bathe my kid so she can buy nice things again.

Speaking of overpriced drinks, while taking this picture, I decided I want to open a bar and call it “Saucer” and just serve cocktails presented on pretty little vintage saucers. Because wouldn’t that be a nice fucking thing that people would like to do — drink cocktails served on gorgeous vintage saucers? I mean, that could totally be a thing, right?

early fall lowball cocktailNotice the sweat on that glass? Yeah, that’s because it was ninety degrees at 6 p.m. on the eve of autumn. And a mosquito bit my foot while I was getting this shot. You know, just to remind me it was still fucking summer for a few more hours (and that mosquitoes are assholes).

Early Fall Lowball

INGREDIENTS

2 ounces double-strength* chai tea, chilled
2 ounces whiskey
½ ounce Grand Marnier
3 dashes Peychaud’s Bitters

DIRECTIONS

Add all of the ingredients to a cocktail shaker or mason jar along with a handful of ice. Shake vigorously and strain into a lowball glass with one large or a few small ice cubes. Enjoy.

*8 ounces of tea brewed with two bags instead of one, or one bag per 4 ounces. Or, math.

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An Apple Brandy Old Fashioned, Because It’s Almost Fucking Fall, Okay?

posted in: Cocktails | 0

apple brandy old fashionedFall is finally really right around the corner — only a tiny baby week away. It’s so close I can taste it. But that taste ins’t a pumpkin spice latte (I’ve never even had a sip of one if you can believe it), it’s an Apple Brandy Old Fashioned. This drink is fall as fuck and it makes me want to put on booties and a scarf (and some other clothes in between, of course, like a plaid shirt and skinny jeans) and get someone to take a picture of me holding a thermos while wearing those ridiculous gloves with the fingertips cut off as I look longingly at a pile of fallen leaves. Or some shit. I don’t know. Isn’t that what white, Midwestern Instagram moms are supposed to do in the fall?

Anyway, back to the drink. It’s an Old Fashioned, but it’s not made with whiskey — a shocking turn of events for me, I know.

The Old Fashioned as we know it today is really just an old-fashioned way to make a cocktail. Back in the day, a “cocktail” was simply a mix of spirits, sugar, water, and bitters. These days, it’s widely accepted that the base spirit is whiskey, but you certainly don’t have to use whiskey. It’s fun to mix it up from time to time, and apple brandy is really great for a fairly traditional Old Fashioned preparation.

But wait! Do you even have apple brandy? Do you even know apple brandy? If you don’t, you should. Yes, I know it sounds like something that would be too sweet and really fucking gross (probably because I spent ages 16 through 22 drinking nothing but that bright green Sour Apple Pucker straight from the bottle) but it’s neither of those things. It’s basically barrel-aged apple wine, and you should be able to find it at most liquor stores.

apple brandy old fashionedIn addition to the apple brandy, this festive fall tipple calls for Angostura aromatic bitters, along with a few dashes of orange bitters (made by Angostura and a few other brands), and a sugar cube or simple syrup. I really prefer the cube to the simple syrup, even if a sugar cube doused in bitters sort of looks like a disease before you muddle it.

I’ve tried making this drink with straight apple brandy, and then half apple brandy-half bourbon (in fact, it was right about the time I took this picture with the fucking bottle of bourbon in it — oops!) and I think it’s better with one base spirit. So we’re sticking with the apple brandy here, folks. Don’t mind the bourbon. Look away from the bourbon.

apple brandy old fashioned

Apple Brandy Old Fashioned

INGREDIENTS

1 sugar cube (or ¼ ounce simple syrup)
4 dashes Angostura Bitters
2 dashes orange bitters
2 ounces apple brandy
Orange twist, for garnish

DIRECTIONS

If you’re using the sugar cube, add it to the glass along with the bitters, then muddle them together until the sugar cube is dissolved. Otherwise, add the simple syrup and bitters to the glass and stir. Add a large ice cube or a few small ones, then pour the apple brandy over the ice. Using a bar spoon (or just a regular fucking spoon because who other than me and a bunch of people who wear vests to their bartending jobs keeps a bar spoon around the house?), garnish with the orange twist, and enjoy.

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Creativity + Cocktails October 4 with Bev

Bev Weidner, Bev Cooks by Barb Raney - www.barbraney.com
Photo by Barb Raney

As I mentioned earlier this summer, I found myself without studio mates and instead of getting new ones, decided to make up the lost income by offering workshops in my big, beautiful space. Now shit’s changed and I’ve crossed over to the dark side of gainful employment and may have to give up this studio, but the event isn’t going anywhere anytime soon (well, it may literally go to another physical location in the new year, but it’s not going away-away). Luckily, Kansas City is full of badass, inspiring women, and for the third Creativity + Cocktails event, I’m thrilled to have my friend Bev Weidner of Bev Cooks (and now The freaking Food Network!) as the featured speaker.

Sidework Studio photo by Jennifer Wetzel Photography professional women's networking

Bev is pretty much the best. The first time I wrote her after I started all this festive shit, I thought she’d put me in her spam folder or call the police. Instead she invited me into her home and let me get her drunk (I mean, I think she got drunk… I did) while the entire Internet watched. AND she taught me how to use Instagram stories (you’re welcome?). So as you can imagine, I’m excited to get Bev, and myself, and you a little drunk at the next Creativity + Cocktails event on Wednesday, October 4.

After a moderated Q&A with Bev, we’ll chat about our own projects, brainstorm, and support each other in our creative and business endeavors. It will be part learning, part networking, part big-idea workshop, part cocktail party, and all sorts of women lifting up and inspiring other women.

Now, please keep in mind that I use the terms “creative” and “professional” very loosely. Don’t be scared off by them! If you make something, or want to make something, or make money at making something, or are trying to make money at making something, or have an idea of how you might like to make money making something someday, that all counts! Whether you’re looking for a little inspiration, have an idea that could use some feedback, or just want to spend an evening mingling and having a few drinks with some fabulous local females (sorry, dudes), this event series is for you! And it’s for me. As I’ve mentioned many times, I’m great at ideas and making pretty shit, but terrible at business things and money. (And after a few drinks I might even tell you about all the arguments my husband and I get into over money and how bad I am at it. And I want ALL THE ADVICE on having a full-time job and a toddler and a husband and two dogs and maintaining a fucking fun side hustle and maybe also not letting my house turn into a disgusting den of filth.)

Anyway, there are only 20 tickets available (and the first two both sold out in about one day) so get yours now and I’ll see you at my studio on October 4!

October 4 Creativity + Cocktails Tickets

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This Fig Bourbon Tonic is Your New Jam

posted in: Cocktails | 0

fig jam cocktailSome of my favorite Instagram bitches have been posting pictures of beautiful fresh figs all week, and while I have yet to spot any here in the Midwest, I was inspired to make this fig jam cocktail. I know it sounds fucking weird — a cocktail made with jam — and maybe it is. But what can I say? I like weird shit.

Anyway, it’s really not that weird. While it’s on the verge of being one of those fancy-ass cocktails you get for $14 at a schmancy bar, it’s simple, and truly easy to make. In addition to the fig jam, it gets bourbon, tonic, and a squeeze of lemon. That’s it! It’s so good, and so easy, and it’s the perfect drink for this late-summer, almost-fall, still-too-many-mosquitoes time of year. The best part is it’s not too sweet. The tonic cuts the sugars in the jam, while the fig really cuts the harshness of tonic. (Is harsh how you’d describe tonic? That makes it sound like I hate it, even though I don’t at all.)

Now, you might be thinking, “How the hell do I put jam — something that’s not a liquid — into a cocktail?” Well, you shake the shit out of it, that’s how. I mean, a little jam may get stuck in your strainer at the end, but that’s okay; it just makes for a smoother drink. Of course it will still have fig seeds in it, and if you don’t like the idea of that you could double strain it… or just move onto another fucking drink because maybe you don’t even really like figs at all so why are you even here?

fig jam cocktail

Fig Bourbon Tonic

INGREDIENTS

2 ounces bourbon
1 heaping teaspoon fig jam
Tonic water
Lemon wedge, for garnish

DIRECTIONS

Add the bourbon and fig jam to a cocktail shaker (or wide-mouth mason jar) with a handful of ice. Shake the shit out of it (really) then, using a Hawthorne strainer, strain it into an old-fashioned or stemless wine glass. Add a handful of ice, top it off with the tonic, give it a squeeze of lemon, and enjoy.

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